(o:  Computer Humor  :o)

Computer Terms LOG ON: Making the wood stove hotter
LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood
MONITOR: Keepin an eye on that stove
DOWNLOAD: Gittin the farwood ofn the truk
MEGAHERTZ: When yer not keerful gittin that farwood downloaded
FLOPPY DISK: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood
RAM: That thar thang whut splits the farwood
HARD DRIVE: Gittin home in the winter tym
PROMPT: Whut the mail ain't in the winter tym
WINDOWS: Whut to shut when its cold outside
SCREEN: Whut to shut when its black fly season
BYTE: Whut them flys do
CHIP: Munchies fer the TV
MICRO CHIP: Whuts left in the munchie bag
INFRARED: Whur the left over munchies go--Fred eats em
MODEM: Whatcha did to the hay fields
DOT MATRIX: Ole Dan Matrix's wife
LAP TOP: Whur the kitty sleeps
KEYBOARD: Whur ya hang the keys
SOFTWARE: Them plastik forks and nifes
MOUSE: What eats the grain in the barn
MAIN FRAME: Hold up the barn ruuf
ENTER: Northern fer c'mon in y'all
RANDOM ASSESS MEMORY: When yer kid caint member whut he did one hour before
when his mom is askin


Firebringer News Service (FBNS) - Experts warned today of a new and deadly threat to our beleaguered civilization: the 100GB Bug.

As most people know, McDonald's restaurant signs show the number of hamburgers the giant chain has sold. That number now stands at 99 billion burgers, or 99 Gigaburgers (GB). Within months or even weeks, that number will roll over to 100GB.

McDonald's signs, however, were designed years ago, when the prospect of selling one hundred billion hamburgers seemed unthinkably remote. So the signs have only two decimal places.  This means that, after the sale of the 100 billionth burger, McDonald's signs will read "00 Billion Burgers
Sold." This, experts predict, will convince the public that, in over thirty years, no McDonald's hamburgers have ever in fact been sold, causing a complete collapse of consumer confidence in McDonald's products. The ensuing catastrophic drop in sales is seen as almost certain to force the already-troubled company into bankruptcy. This, in turn, will push the teetering American economy over the brink, which, finally, will complete the total devastation of the global economy, ending civilization as we know it, and forcing us all to live on beetles.

"The people who know - the sign-makers - are really scared of 100GB," one expert said. "I don't know about you, but I'm digging up a copy of THE FIELD GUIDE TO NORTH AMERICAN INSECTS and heading for the hills."

reported by Victor Milan, FBNS, forward freely, please attribute

-by Tom Forstrom, of Statesman Journal-     This actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect customer support technician found its way to me.
    "Ridge Hall, computer assistant; may I help you?"
    "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
    "What sort of trouble?"
    "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
    "Went away?"
    "They disappeared."
    "Hmm.  So what does your screen look like now?"
    "Can you see the C-prompt on the screen?"
    "What's a sea-prompt?"
    "Never mind.  Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
    "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
    "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
    "What's a monitor?"
    "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.  Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
    "I don't know."
    "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it.  Can you see that?"
    "Yes, I think so."
    "Great!  Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
    "Yes, it is."
    "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
    "Well, there are.  I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
    "OK, here it is."
    "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
    "I can't reach."
    "Uh huh.  Well, can you see if it is?"
    "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
    "Oh, it's not because I have the right angle--it's because it's dark."
    "Yes--the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
    "Well, turn on the office light then."
    "I can't."
    "No?  Why not?"
    "Because there's a power outage."
    "A power...A power outage?  Aha!  OK, we've got it licked now.  Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
    "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
    "Good!  Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it.  Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
    "What do I tell them?"
    "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

The Lord's Prayer A mother was teaching her 3 year old daughter the Lord's Prayer.  For several evenings at bedtime she repeated it after her mother.  One night she said she was ready to solo.  The mother listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end.  "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some e-mail. Amen."

(for immediate release)     It has come to our attention that a few copies of a certain edition of Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside of their area.  If you have one of these editions you may need some help understanding the commands.

    It may be recognized by looking at the opening screen. It reads WINDERS 98 with a background picture of the General Lee super imposed on a Confederate flag. It is shipped with a Daisy Duke screen saver.

    Also note:
Recycle Bin is labeled Outhouse,
My Computer is called This Infernal Contraption,
Dialup Networking is called Good Ol' Boys,
Control Panel is known as the Dashboard,
Hard Drive is referred to as 4 wheel drive,
Floppies are them little ole plastic disc thangs.

    Other features:
Instead of an error message you get a winder covered with a garbage bag and duct tape.

OK =          ats aww-right
cancel =      no
reset =       awa shoot
yes =         shore
no =          Naaaa
find =        hunt-fer it
go to =       over yonder
back =        back yonder
help =        hep me out here
stop =        ternit off
start =       crank it up
settings =    sittins
programs =    stuff at does stuff
documents =   stuff I done done

    Also note that Winders 98 does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks.

    Some programs that are exclusive to Winders 98:
tiperiter................A word processor
colering book............a graphics program
addin mershene...........calculator
scratch paper ...........notepad
jupe-box ................CD Player
inner-net................Microsoft Explorer
pichers..................A graphics viewer
IRS......................M/S accounting software
IRS2.....................M/S accounting software with hidden files
coon dog.................American kennel club records
fishin...................Bass Anglers Sportsman Society records
NRA......................National  Rifle Association
shot gun ................Remington Arms price list
riffel...................Winchester price list
pisstel..................Smith & Wesson price list
truck....................Ford & Chevrolet dealers in by zip code
house....................Nearest Mobil home repair service by zip code
car .....................same as truck, just need two lists in Texas
cuzzins..................family history, usually a 3 meg file
tax records..............usually an empty file
shells...................ammunition inventory, another 3 meg file
racin....................NASCAR racing schedule; includes list of TV stations that carry the race
car n' truck Parts.......nearest Junk yard by zip code
doc .....................veterinarians  by zip code

    We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of this edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.

    At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry, and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon".
    In response to Gates' comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:  If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1 - For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
2 - Occasionally your car would just die on the freeway, and you would learn to accept this, restart and drive on.
3 - Every once in a while, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
4 - The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.
5 - Occasionally, for no reason, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
6 - Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
7 - Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on 5% of the roads.

Virus Warning
Read the following carefully!!!!!! ...
and pass on to everyone you've ever traded e-mail with!!!!!!!!!!

If you receive an e-mail with a subject line of "Badtimes," delete it immediately WITHOUT reading it. This is the most dangerous E-mail virus yet!!!!!!!!!! It will completely rewrite your hard drive. Not only that, but it will scramble any disks that are even close to your computer. It also demagnetizes the strips on all your credit cards, reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you try to play. It will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles. This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. It will drink all your Mt. Dew and leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company. It will hide your car keys when you are late for work and interfere with your car radio so that you hear only static while stuck in traffic.  When executed, "Badtimes" will also give you nightmares about circus midgets. It will replace your shampoo with hand lotion, and your hand lotion with grease.  "Badtimes" will give you every disease in the book. If the "Badtimes" mail message is opened in a Windows 95 environment it will leave the sink drain clogged and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.  It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, but it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk. It is insidious and subtle.  It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve. Be afraid. Be very, very afraid.

The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for the planned Windows 2000:

1.Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
2.Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
3.Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
4.Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
5.Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
6.Close your eyes and press escape three times.
7.Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
8.This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
9.Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"
10.This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off."
11.To "shut down" your system, type "WIN."
12.BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
13.COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.
14.CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)
15.File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
16.Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
17.Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
18.Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
19.WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
20.User Error: Replace user.
21.Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"
22.Welcome to Microsoft's World - Your Mortgage is Past Due...
23.If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and all your future creations. Doesn't it feel nice to have security?
24.Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.

If speed scares you, try Windows...

Q: What did the computer woman do when she found blades of grass growing from her disk drive?

A: She modem.

Is your computer male or female? As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as being female(e.g., "Steady as she goes", or "She's listing to starboard,  Captain!").

Recently, a group of computer scientists (all males)announced that computers should also be referred to as being female. Their reasons  for drawing this conclusion follow:

1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3.  The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If  you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you".
4.  Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
5.  As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half  your paycheck on accessories for it.

However, another group of computer scientists (all female) think that computers should be referred to as if they were male. Their reasons follow:

1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
3.  As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.