Holy Laughter

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Johnny was staring up  at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning son."

"Good morning pastor" replied the young man, focused on the plaque.

"Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked.

"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service," replied the pastor.

Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30 service?"

    One Sunday little Johnny went to a new Sunday school, and so naturally his parents wondered how he liked it.
    "Real good!" he said.
    "Who was your teacher?" Mother probed.
    "I don't know her name, but I think she must have been Jesus' grandmother."
    "Why do you say that?" asked the father.
    "Well, she sure bragged about Jesus, so she must be His grandmother," he said seriously.

There was a Christian lady who lived next door to an atheist.  Everyday, when the lady  prayed, the atheist guy could hear her.  He, thought to himself, "She sure is crazy, praying all the time like that.  Doesn't she know there isn't a God?"

Many times while she was praying, he would go to her house and harass her, saying, "Lady, why do you pray all the time?  Don't  you know there is no God?"  But, she kept right on praying.

One day, she ran out of groceries.  As usual, she was praying to the Lord, explaining her situation, and thanking Him for what He was gonna do.  AS  USUAL, the atheist heard her praying and thought to himself, "Humph . . .  I'll  fix her."  So he went to the grocery store, bought a whole bunch of groceries, took them to her  house, dropped them off on the front porch,  rang the door bell, and then hid in the bushes to see what she would do.

When she opened the door and saw the groceries, she began to praise the Lord with all her heart---jumping, singing, and shoutin' everywhere!

The atheist then jumped out of the bushes and told her, "You ol' crazy lady, God didn't buy you those groceries.  I bought those groceries!"

Well, she broke out, and started running down the street, shouting and praising the Lord.  When he finally caught her, he asked what her problem was . . . She said, "I  knew  the Lord would provide me with some  groceries, but I didn't know he was gonna make the devil pay for them!"

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up.

The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

Good News and Bad News For a Pastor

Good News: You baptized seven people today in the river.
Bad News: You lost two of them in the swift current.

Good News: The Elder Board accepted your job description the way you wrote it.
Bad News: They were so inspired by it, they also formed a search committee to find somebody capable of filling the position.

Good News: You finally found a choir director who approaches things exactly the same way you do.
Bad News: The choir mutinied.

Good News: The trustees finally voted to add more church parking.
Bad News: They are going to blacktop the front lawn of your parsonage.

Good News: Your biggest critic just left your church.
Bad News: He has been appointed the Head Bishop of your denomination.

Good News: The youth in your church come to your house for a surprise visit.
Bad News: It's in the middle of the night and they are armed with toilet paper and shaving cream to "decorate" your house.

Good News: Church attendance rose dramatically the last three weeks.
Bad News: You were on vacation.


"Abraham! Stop wandering around the countryside and get home for supper!"

"Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego! Leave those clothes outside, you smell like a dirty ol' furnace!"

"Cain! Get off your brother! You're going to kill him some day!"

"Noah! No, you can't keep them! I told you, don't bring home any more strays!"

"Gideon! Have you been hiding in that wine press again? Look at your clothes! (Judges 6:11)"

"James and John! No more burping contests at the dinner table, please. People are going to call you the sons of thunder! (Mark 3:17)"

Newly assigned officers to a Naval Air Station are quite often "adopted" by a family.  One such young officer, a Lieut Commander, kind-of became an Uncle to the family's only 4 year old daughter.

One Sunday, he asked her what she had learned in Sunday School. She said she had learned all about the ten commanders, and that they were always broke.

A little girl was told to draw her conception of the Hebrews' flight into Egypt.  She came home with a picture of an airplane, the passengers all with halos and one person up front without one.

When asked about it, she explained, "Oh, that's Pontius, the pilot."

The Lord's Prayer has always been easy for kids to misinterpret, either through poor enunciators or from mumbling congregations. One little boy, always a classic joke, said "Harold be Thy name."

A lesser known prayer is the little girl saying: "Give us this day our jelly bread." 

Church Billboards

Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world!

It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin.

Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins.

Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here.

Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons--come hear one.

People are like tea bags--you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are.

Where will you be sitting in eternity--smoking or non-smoking?

Parking is for Church patrons only.  Violators will be baptized.

No God-No Peace. Know God-Know Peace.

Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!

An ad for St.Joseph's Episcopal Church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads, "For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets."

God so loved the world that He did not send a committee.

When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. He came out alright.

Fight truth decay-study the Bible daily.

Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives.

Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long but the benefits are out of this world.

Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church.

If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns.

If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again.

Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon.

This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing? (U R)

Forbidden fruit creates many jams.

In the dark? Follow the Son.

If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd.

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to  Jerusalem.  A young girl answered: "Because they couldn't get a babysitter."

Rev. H.J. Dick, pastor of Emmaus Mennonite Church near Whitewater, KS, came to the end of a very heavy day at the New Year's Eve midnight service.  Getting his tongue tangled, he announced, "Let us now stand and sing, Another Dear is Yawning."

Over the massive front doors of a church, these words were inscribed: "The Gate of Heaven".  Below that was a small cardboard sign which read:"Please use other entrance."

Rev. Warren J. Keating, Pastor of the First Presbyterian Church of Yuma  AZ, says that the best prayer he ever heard was:  "Lord, please make me the kind of person my dog thinks I am."

A Woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. "What Denomination?" Asked the clerk.  "Oh, good heavens!  Have we come to this?" said the woman.  "Well give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic ones."

On a very cold, snowy Sunday in February, only the pastor and one farmer arrived at the village church. The pastor said, "Well, I guess we won't have a service today." 

The farmer replied, "If even only one cow shows up at feeding time, I feed it."

The preacher proceeded to preach a long and eloquent sermon to the farmer, lasting well over an hour. At the end of the service, the preacher met the farmer at the door and asked him how he enjoyed the sermon. The farmer replied "Well, now, if I go to feed the cows and only one cow shows up, I don't give 'em the whole load!"

During a children's sermon, Rev. Larry Eisenberg asked the children what "Amen" means. A little boy raised his hand and said: "It means thahe-thahe-thahe-thahe - THAT"S ALL FOLKS!'"

A student was asked to list the 10 Commandments in any order. His answer? "3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7".

I was at the beach with my children when my four-year-old son ran up to me, grabbed my hand, and led me to the shore, where a sea gull lay dead in the sand.  "Mommy, what happened to him?" the little boy asked. 

"He died and went to Heaven," I replied.

My son thought a moment and then said, "And God threw him back down?"

Bill Keane, creator of the Family Circus cartoon strip tells of a time when he was penciling one of his cartoons and his son Jeffy said, "Daddy, how do you know what to draw?"

I said, "God tells me." 

Jeffy said, "Then why do you keep erasing parts of it?"

After the church service, a little boy told the pastor, "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money." 

"Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?" 

"Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."

Classic CHURCH BULLETIN Bloopers

The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.

The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.

Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.

Ushers will eat latecomers.

The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.

The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."

During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."

Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.

Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"

The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.

22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of  Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin  sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.

Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.

8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m.  Please use large double door at the side entrance.

*On Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the expense of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the carpet will please come forward to get a piece of paper.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on Oct. 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in school days.

This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north end of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. White to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

And the LORD spoke to Noah and said: "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed.  But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet.  I am ordering you to build Me an Ark."  In a flash of lightning He delivered the specifications for the Ark.

"Okay," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints.

"Six months, and it starts to rain," thundered the LORD.  "You'd better have My Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time."

And six months passed.  The skies began to cloud up, and rain began to fall. The LORD saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping.  And there was no Ark.  "Noah," shouted the LORD, "where is My Ark?"  A lighting bolt crashed to the ground next to Noah.

"LORD, please forgive me!" begged Noah.  "I did my best.  But there were big problems.  First, I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and Your plans didn't meet code.  So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans.  Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system.  My neighbors objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.

"Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl.  I had to convince U.S. Fish and Wildlife that I needed wood to save the owls.  But they wouldn't let me catch any owls.  So no owls.  Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike.  I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer.  Now we have sixteen carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls.

"Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind.  Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on Your proposed flood.  They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being.  Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain.  I sent them a globe.

"Right now I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I'm supposed to hire, the IRS has seized all my assets claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and I just got a notice from the state about owing some kind of use tax.  I really don't think I can finish your Ark for at least another five years," Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear.  The sun began to shine.  A rainbow arched across the sky.  Noah looked up and smiled, "You mean You're not going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked hopefully.

"No," said the LORD sadly, "Government already has".

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, "Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait."

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"

Moses' Great Adventure

Johnny was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School.

"Well, mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and saved the Israelites."

"Now, Johnny, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.

"Well, no, mom, but if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it."

Sayings of Biblical Proportions

The statements below are said to have been written by actual students and not retouched or corrected.  No doubt they came from several sources, some perhaps copyrighted.  I don't know the source but share them with you as others have shared them with me.

In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.

Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.

Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.

Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

Samson was a strong man who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.

Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.

Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.

The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.

Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.

The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

The fifth commandment is to humor thy father and mother.

The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

Moses died before he ever reached Canada.

Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.

He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.

St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.

Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.

He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone."

It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.

The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

Father Norton wakes up to a beautiful, sunny Sunday morning and decides he just has to play golf. He pretends he's sick and convinces the associate pastor to say mass for him that day, then heads out of town to a golf course about 50 miles away so he won't run into anyone from his parish. On the first tee he sees he has the entire course to himself: Everyone else is in church!

Watching from heaven, Saint Peter turns to the Lord and asks, "are you going to let him get away with this?"

Just then Father Norton hits the ball. It heads straight for the pin, drops just short of it, rolls up, and falls into the hole - a 420 yard hole in one!

Astonished, Saint Peter looks at the Lord and asks, "Why in Heaven did you let him do that?"

The Lord smiles and replies, "Who's he going to tell?"

Explain God

Written by Danny Dutton, age 8, for his third grade homework assignment to explain God.

One of God's main jobs is making people.  He makes them to replace the ones that die so there will be enough people to take care of things on earth.

He doesn't make grown-ups, just babies.  I think because they are smaller and easier to make.  That way, He doesn't have to take up His valuable time teaching them to talk and walk, He can just leave that to mothers and fathers.

God's second most important job is listening to prayers.  An awful lot of this goes on, since some people, like preachers and things, pray at times besides bedtime.

God doesn't have time to listen to the radio or TV because of this.

Because He hears everything there must be a terrible lot of noise in His ears, unless He has thought of a way to turn it off.

God sees everything and hears everything and is everywhere which keeps Him pretty busy.  So you shouldn't go wasting His time by going over your mom and dad's head asking for something they said you couldn't have.

Atheists are people who don't believe in God.  I don't think there are any here.  At least there aren't any who come to our church.

Jesus is God's Son.  He used to do all the hard work like walking on water and performing miracles and trying to teach the people who didn't want to learn about God.  They finally got tired of Him preaching to them and they crucified Him.

But He was good and kind like His Father and He told His Father that they didn't know what they were doing and to forgive them and God said OK.

His Dad (God) appreciated everything that He had done and all His hard work on earth so He told Him He didn't have to go out on the road anymore, He could stay in heaven.  So He did.

And now He helps His Dad out by listening to prayers and seeing things which are important for God to take care of and which ones He can take care of Himself without having to bother God.  Like a secretary only more important.

You can pray anytime you want and they are sure to hear you because they got it worked out so one of them is on duty all the times.

You should always go to Church on Sunday because it makes God happy, and if there's anybody you want to make happy, it's God.

Don't skip church to do something you think will be more fun like going to the beach.  This is wrong!  And,  besides, the sun doesn't come out at the beach until noon anyway.

If you don't believe in God, besides being an atheist, you will be very lonely, because your parents can't go everywhere with you, like to camp, but God can.

It is good to know He's around you when you're scared in the dark or when you can't swim very good and you get thrown into real deep water by big kids.

But you shouldn't just always think of what God can do for you.  I figure God put me here and He can take me back anytime He pleases.

And that's why I believe in God.


Dear Pastor,
I know God loves everybody, but He never met my sister.
Yours sincerely,
Arnold (Age 8)
Dear Pastor,
My father should be a minister. Every day he gives us a sermon about something.
Robert (Age 11)
Dear Pastor,
I would like to go to Heaven someday because I know my brother won't be there.
Stephen (Age 8)
Dear Pastor,
I think a lot more people would come to your church if you moved it to Disneyland.
Loreen (Age 9)
Dear Pastor,
Please pray for all the airline pilots. I am flying to California tomorrow.
Laurie (Age 10)
Dear Pastor,
I hope to go to heaven some day, but later than sooner.
Love, Ellen (Age 9)
Dear Pastor,
Please say a prayer for our Little League team. We need God's help or a new pitcher. Thank you.
Alexander (Age 10)
Dear Pastor,
My father says I should learn the Ten Commandments. But I don't think I want to because we have enough rules already in my house.
Joshua (Age 10)
Dear Pastor,
Are there any devils on earth? I think there may be one in my class.
Carla (Age 10)
Dear Pastor,
I liked your sermon on Sunday. Especially when it was finished.
Ralph (Age 11)
Dear Pastor,
How does God know the good people from the bad people? Do you tell Him, or does He read about it in the newspapers?
Sincerely, Marie (Age 9)

After church on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided I'm going to be a minister when I grow up."

"That's okay with us,"  the mother said, "But what made you decide to be a minister?"

"Well,"  the boy replied, "I'll have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit still and listen."

On vacation with her family in Montana, a mother drove her van past a church in a small town and pointing to it, told the children that it was St. Francis' Church.  "It must be a franchise," her eight-year-old son said.  "We've got one of those in our town too."

~~~  Childrens' Letters to God  ~~~

Dear God,
In Sunday School they told us what You do.  Who does it when You are on vacation?  - Jane

Dear God,
I think about You sometimes even when I'm not praying.  - Elliot

Dear God,
Did You really mean "do unto others as they do unto you?" Because if you did, then I'm going to fix my brother.  - Darla

Dear God,
I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset You made on Tuesday.  - Margret

Dear God,
Are you really invisible or is that a trick?  - Lucy

Dear God,
Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?  - Norma

Dear God,
Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones You have now?  - Jane

Dear God,
Who draws the lines around countries?  - Nan

Dear God,
The bad people laughed at Noah - "You made an ark on dry land you fool".  But he was smart, he stuck with You.  That's what I would do.  - Eddie

Dear God,
I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church.  Is that okay?  - Neil

Dear God,
What does it mean You are a Jealous God?  I thought You had everything.  - Jane

Dear God,
Thank You for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.  - Joyce

Dear God,
Why is Sunday School on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest.  - Tom L.

Dear God,
Please send me a pony.  I never asked for anything before, You can look it up. - Bruce

Dear God,
Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms.  It works with my brother.  - Larry

Dear God,
You don't have to worry about me.  I always look both ways.  - Dean

Dear God,
I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it.  -Nan

Dear God,
Of all the people who work for You, I like Noah and David the best.  -Rob

Dear God,
If You watch me in Church Sunday.  I'll show You my new shoes.   -Mickey D.

Dear God,
I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible.  - Love, Chris

Dear God,
We read Thomas Edison made light.  But in school they said You did it. So, I bet he stoled Your idea.  Sincerely,  Donna

Dear God,
I do not think anybody could be a better God.  Well, I just want You to know but I am not just saying that because You are God  already.  - Charles

Dear God,
Why did you make this world?  I just wanted to know.  Love, Esther

A Sunday school teacher challenged her children to take some time on Sunday afternoon to write a letter to God.  They were to bring back their letter the following Sunday.  One little boy wrote:  "Dear God, We had a good time at church today.  Wish You could have been there."

Children's Prayers

One Sunday in a Midwest city a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle.  Finally the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out.  Just before reaching the safety of the foyer the little one called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!"

A daddy was listening to his child say his prayer "Dear Harold". At this, dad interrupted and said, "Wait a minute -how come you called God Harold? The little boy looked up and said, "That's what they call Him in church. You know the prayer we say, "Our Father, who art in Heaven, Harold be Thy Name."

And this particular four-year-old prayed: "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

During the minister's prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Gary's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence, and after church asked: "Gary, whatever made you do such a thing?"  Gary answered soberly: "I asked God to teach me to whistle ... and He just then did!"

One night Mike's parents overheard this prayer: "Now I lay me down to rest, and hope to pass tomorrow's test, If I should die before I wake, that's one less test I have to take,"

A five-year-old said grace at family dinner one night.  "Dear God, thank you for these pancakes..."  When he concluded, his parents asked him why he thanked God for pancakes when they were having chicken.  He smiled and said, "I thought I'd see if He was paying  attention tonight."

A little boy's prayer: "Dear God, please take care of my daddy and my mommy and my sister and my brother and my doggy and me.  Oh, please take care of yourself, God.  If anything happens to you, we're gonna be in a big mess."

A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy: "So your mother says your prayers for you each night. Very commendable.  What does she say?" The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!".

A woman invited some people to dinner.  At the table, she turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," the little girl replied.  "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the mother said.  The little girl bowed her head and said, "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

Johnny had been misbehaving and was sent to his room.  After a while he emerged and informed his mother that he had thought it over and then said a prayer.  "Fine," said the pleased mother.  "If you ask God to help you not misbehave, He will help you."  "Oh, I didn't ask Him to help me not misbehave," said Johnny.  "I asked Him to help you put up with me."

A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if You can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.  I'm having a real good time like I am!"

Q: How do you make God laugh?

A: Tell Him your plans!