Laughter!

The Bible says that "A merry heart doeth good like a medicine..." and Reader's Digest says that "Laughter is the Best Medicine," so here's a lot of medicine for you! Humorous stories, jokes, verbal faux pas, confusing thoughts, and much more! (In no order whatsoever!) Enjoy!


Casual Day

Memo No. 1
Effective immediately, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual Day so that employees may express their diversity.

Memo No. 2
Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for Casual Day.  Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or moccasins.

Memo No. 3
Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude.  When planning Friday's wardrobe, remember, "Image is a key to our success."

Memo No. 4
A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4 p.m. Friday in the cafeteria.  Fashion show to follow.  Attendance is mandatory.

Memo No. 5
As an outgrowth of Friday's seminar, a 14-member Casual Day Task Force has been appointed to prepare guidelines for proper dress.

Memo No. 6
The Casual Day Task Force has completed a 30-page manual.  A copy of "Relaxing Dress without Relaxing Company Standards" has been mailed to each employee.  Please review the chapter, "You Are What You Wear," and consult the "home casual" versus "business casual" checklist before leaving for work each Friday.  If you have doubts about the appropriateness of an item of clothing, contact your CDTF representative before 7 a.m. on Friday.

Memo No. 7
Because of lack of participation, Casual Day has been discontinued, effective immediately.

 


Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."

With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.

God got  mad and said," you men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell me my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

And the man replied," I don't know, but my wife told me to stand right here".

 


A Black & Blue Christmas!

Christmas of 1997, a couple of my Dad's friends decided to cut  down their own tree.  Upon returning home, the husband was covered  in pine pitch, so he started a shower while his wife began to  decorate the tree.  If only it remained that simple...

Mid-shower, the wife let forth with a huge scream bringing the husband bounding down the stairs wearing nothing but suds.  She was pointing under the sofa, shrieking "A snake!  A huge black snake crawled out of the tree and slitered under the sofa!"

The husband quickly began his manly-man duty, and got on hands and knees and crawled under the coffee table to get a better look  under the sofa.  Meanwhile, the wife sprinted outside to get some  help, and released their Labrador Retriever from his pen.  The dog  ran inside the open back door and into the living room.  Upon spying  the husband in his awkward position, the dog did what any dog with  an ice-cold nose would do when meeting someone.  Feeling this greeting, the husband (already on-edge determining the whereabouts of a snake) convulsed and bashed his head into the  bottom of the coffee table, knocking himself completely unconscious.

At this point, the wife returns to the living room to find her husband unresponsive, sprawled on the floor.  Thinking that he somehow has received some sort of bite, she immediately calls the paramedics who arrive in record time. As the two EMTs are getting  him dressed and strapping him into the gurney he begins to come to. He tells them what really happened, and they are still laughing as,  on their way out, the snake decides to make a return appearance and  slithers out from under the sofa.  One of the paramedics is so  frightened that he jumps back, letting go of the gurney.  The  husband spills out onto the floor, breaking his wrist.

The snake, somehow, gets away.

 


On Parenthood

Yes, parenthood changes everything.  But parenthood also changes with each baby.  Here, some of the ways having a second and third child differs from having your first:

Your Clothes
-1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy. 
-2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible. 
-3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes. 

The Baby's Name
-1st baby: You pore over baby name books and practice pronouncing and writing combinations of all your favorites. 
-2nd baby: Someone has to name his or her kid after your great-aunt Mavis, right? It might as well be you. 
-3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger points. 

Preparing for the Birth
-1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously. 
-2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing. 
-3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month. 

The Layette
-1st baby: You perish your newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau. 
-2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains. 
-3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they? 

Worries
-1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the baby. 
-2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn. 
-3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing. 

Activities
-1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour. 
-2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics. 
-3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner. 

Going Out
-1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times. 
-2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached. 
-3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood. 

At Home
-1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby. 
-2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby. 
-3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

Laughter doth good, like a medicine!

 


Good Things to Put On Your Answering Machine

(These are actual answering machine answers recorded and verified by the world-famous International Institute of Answering Machine Answers.)

Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

Hi. Now you say something.

Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.

Hello. I am David's answering machine.  What are you?

Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator.  Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.

Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding,  windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.

Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message.

You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.

Please leave a message.  However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

 


Poor, Sleepy Eutychus

Written by:  John Knapp II

Poor, sleepy Eutychus,
A-sittin' without squirmin',
Perching on a window ledge
To hear an endless sermon.

Now his eyes are droopy,
Sittin' way up high;
Poor, sleepy Eutychus
Is just about to die.

Saint Paul keeps on a-preachin'
To our hero snoozin' hard;
Then Euty leans into the air
And crashes in the yard.

But Paul is an apostle
Quite unlike other men;
Down he runs to Eutychus
And gives him life again.

So if you're gonna sleep in church,
Don't from a window fall;
The man up front a-preachin'
Is not apostle Paul.

 


Men and Women Compared

CATS:
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

MARRIAGE:
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

DRESSING UP:
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.
A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

NATURAL:
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

 


In a small Texas town, there was a nativity scene that indicated great skill and talent in its creation.  One small feature bothered me though.  The 3 wisemen were wearing fireman's helmets.

Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.  At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets.  She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You Yankees never do read the Bible"! 

I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.  She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a particular passage. 

Sticking it in my face, she said, "See, it says right here, 'The three wisemen came from afar."

 


What is wrong with this headline?

Include Your Children when Baking Cookies

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms

Eye Drops Off Shelf

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Stolen Painting Found by Tree

Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter

Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Deer Kill 17,000

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

 


An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing"on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."

 


Doing Nothing?

A business owner decides to take a tour around his business and see how things are going. He goes down to the shipping docks and sees a young man leaning against the wall doing nothing.

The owner walks up to the young man and says, "Son, how much do you make a day?"

The guy replies, "150 dollars."

The owner pulls out his wallet, gives him $150, and tells him to get out and never come back.

A few minutes later the shipping clerk says to the boss, "Have you seen that UPS driver? I left him standing around here?"

 


Let Sleeping Dogs Lie

One afternoon, I was in the back yard hanging the laundry when an old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard.  I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. But when I walked into the house, he followed me, sauntered down the hall and fell asleep in a corner.  An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back. He resumed his position in the hallway and slept for an hour.

This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."

Te next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with ten children - he's trying to catch up on his sleep."

 


MARTHA STEWART'S CHRISTMAS LETTER TO ERMA BOMBECK:

Hi Erma,

This perfectly delightful note is being sent on paper I made myself to tell you what I have been up to.

Since it snowed last night, I got up early and made a sled with old barn wood and a glue gun. I hand painted it in gold leaf, got out my loom, and made a blanket in peaches and mauves.

Then to make the sled complete, I made a white horse to pull it, from DNA that I had just sitting around in my craft room.

By then, it was time to start making the place mats and napkins for my 20 breakfast guests. I'm serving the old standard Stewart twelve-course breakfast, but I'll let you in on a little secret: I didn't have time to make the tables and chairs this morning, so I used the ones I had on hand.

Before I moved the table into the dining room, I decided to add just a touch of the holidays. So I repainted the room in pinks and stenciled gold stars on the ceiling.

Then, while the homemade bread was rising, I took antique candle molds and made the dishes (exactly the same shade of pink) to use for breakfast. These were made from Hungarian clay, which you can get at almost any Hungarian craft store.

Well, I must run. I need to finish the buttonholes on the dress I'm wearing for breakfast.

I'll get out the sled and drive this note to the post office as soon as the glue dries on the envelope I'll be making. Hope my breakfast guests don't stay too long, I have 40,000 cranberries to string with bay leaves before my speaking engagement at noon.

Love, Martha Stewart

P.S. When I made the ribbon for this typewriter, I used 1/8-inch gold gauze. I soaked the gauze in a mixture of white grapes and blackberries which I grew, picked, and crushed last week just for fun.

 

RESPONSE FROM ERMA:

Dear Martha,

I'm writing this on the back of an old shopping list, pay no attention to the coffee and jelly stains.

I'm 20 minutes late getting my daughter up for school, packing a lunch with one hand, on the phone with the dog pound, seems old Ruff needs bailing out, again. Burnt my arm on the curling iron when I was trying to make those cute curly fries, how DO they do that?

Still can't find the scissors to cut out some snowflakes, tried using an old disposable razor . . . trashed the tablecloth.

Tried that cranberry thing, frozen cranberries mushed up after I defrosted them in the microwave.

Oh, and don't use Fruity Pebbles as a substitute in that Rice Krispies snowball recipe, unless you happen to like a disgusting shade that resembles you-don't-want-to-know-what!

The smoke alarm is going off, talk to ya later.

Love, Erma

 


Jesus and Satan have an discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge. They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes,taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the
contest is over. He asks Satan to show what he has come up with.

Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out."

"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."

Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished. He stutters, "B-b-but how? I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact. How did he do it?"

God smiled all-knowingly, "Jesus saves."

 


Top 15 best things to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk: 

15. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen." 

14. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."

13. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper."

12. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"

11. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"

10. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance."

9. "Actually I'm doing a 'Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan' (SLEEP) I learned it at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend."

8. "I was doing a highly specific exercise to relieve work-related stress." 

7. "Man!  Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

6. "The coffee machine is broken...." 

5. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot." 

4. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!" 

3. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"   

2. "I wasn't sleeping, I was trying to pick up contact lens without hands."   

AND THE #1 BEST THING TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK:

1. "Amen"

 


A farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost.

"$10 for 3 minutes," replied the pilot.

"That's too much," said the farmer.

The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10."

The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride--loop-de-loops, steep dives, etc. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, "I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man."

"Maybe so," said the farmer, "But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out."

 


Some People are Like Potatoes

1. Some people are very bossy and like to tell everyone what to do, but of course they do not wish to soil their hands.  You might call that type "Dick Tator."

2. Some people never seem to be motivated to participate.  They are content to watch while others do.  They are "Speck Tators."

3. Some people never do anything to help, but they are gifted at  finding fault with the way others do things.  They might be called "Comment Taters."

4. Some people are always looking for ways to cause problems.  They look for others to agree with them.  You call them "Aggie Taters."

5. Then there are those who always say they will, but somehow never get around to doing anything.  They are "Hezzie Taters."

6. Some people put on a front and act like they are someone they are not.  They are "Emma Taters."

7. Still, there are those who live what they talk.  They are always prepared to stop what they are doing to lend a hand.  They bring real sunshine into others' lives.    You might call them "Sweet Taters."

 


Thanksgiving Forecast:

Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.

During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy.

A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator.

Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup develops. By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.

 


:) INVENTIONS THAT DIDN'T WORK :)

* The water-proof towel
* Glow in the dark sunglasses
* Solar powered flashlights
* Submarine screen doors
* A book on how to read
* Inflatable dart boards
* A dictionary index
* Powdered water
* Waterproof tea bags
* The helicopter ejector seat
* The cordless extension cord


Order in the court!

Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are 20 questions actually asked by attorneys during trials and in certain cases the responses given by the insightful witnesses. The last one is the best.

1." Now Doctor isn't true that when a person dies in his sleep he doesn't know about it til the next morning?"

2."The youngest son , the twenty year old, how old is he?"

3. '' Were you present when your picture was taken?"

4. '' Were you alone or by yourself?"

5. " Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"

6. " Did he kill you?"

7. ''How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

8. "You were there until you left isn't that true?"

9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"

10. Q." She had three children right?"
      A.  " yes."
      Q. '' How many were boys?"
      A. " none''
      Q. "Were there any girls?"

11. Q. '' You say these staits went down to the basement?"
      A." Yes."
      Q. '' And these stairs did they go up also?"

12. Q. " You went on a rather elaborate honeymoon didn't you Mr. Slather?"
      A." I went to Europe sir."
      Q. " And you took your new wife?"

13.  Q. " How was your first marraige terminated?"
       A. " By death.''
       Q. " And by whose death was it terminated?"

14. Q. " Can you describe the indivual?"
      A. " He was about medium height and had a beard."
      Q. " Was this a male or female?"

15  Q. Is your appearence here persuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
      A. " No this is how I dress when I go to work."

16. Q. "Doctor how many autposies have you preformed on dead people?"
      A. "All my autopaies are preformed on dead people."

17. Q. ''All your responses are to be oral , OK . What school did you go to?"
      A. " Oral."

18. Q.  " Do you recall the time the autopsy was started?"
      A. "  The autopsy started around 8:30 P.M."
       Q. '' And  Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?'
      A.  " No he was sitting on the table wondering  why I was doing a autopsy

19. Q. " Doctor before you started the autopsy did you check for a pulse?"
     A. "No."
     Q. "  Blood pressure.''
      A. '' No.''
     Q.'' Breathing ?''
     A.''No''
     Q.'' So  then it is posslble the patient could still be alive?"
     A. '' No''
     Q. '' How can you be so sure, Doctor?''
     A.  '' Because his brain was sitting in a jar on my desk.''
     Q. '' But it is possible he could still been alive nevertheless.''
     A.  '' It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

 


THINGS TO DO TO LIVEN UP THANKSGIVING DINNER

1. Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your "shake" back to the table. Announce that It's the new Thanksgiving Weight Loss Shake.

2. When everyone goes around to say what they are thankful for, say, "I'm thankful I didn't get caught." and refuse to say anything more.

3. Bring along old recorded football games, pop them in the VCR when Dad's not looking. Make sure it is set to the last two minutes of the game When he comes into the room, turn off the VCR and turn on the regular TV.

4. Bring a date that only talks about the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms.

5. During Mid-meal turn to mom and say, "See mom, I told you they wouldn't notice that the Turkey was past expiration date. You were worried for nothing".                  

******************

TRUE STORIES FROM THE BUTTERBALL TURKEY HOTLINE
where people call to get advice how to cook a Turkey from the experts

* Thanksgiving Dinner on the run. A woman called 1-800-323-4848 to find out how long it would take to roast her turkey. To answer the question, the Talk-Line home economist asked how much the bird weighed. The woman responded, "I don't know, it's still running around outside."

* Tofu turkey? No matter how you slice it, Thanksgiving just isn't Thanksgiving without turkey. A restaurant owner in California wanted to know how to roast a turkey for a vegetarian menu.

* Then there's the time a lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

 


THINGS THAT IRRITATE A SANE PERSON...

The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the back of your ankle.

The elevator stops on every floor and nobody gets on.

There's always a car riding your tail when you're slowing down to find an address.

You open a can of soup and the lid falls in.

The tiny red string on the Band-Aid wrapper never works for you.

You can never put anything back in a box the way it came.

Three hours and three meetings after lunch you look in the mirror and discover a piece of parsley stuck to your front tooth.

You slice your tongue licking an envelope.

Your tire gauge lets out half the air while you're trying to get a reading.

A station comes in brilliantly when you're standing near the radio but buzzes, drifts and spits every time you move away.

There are always one or two ice cubes that won't pop out of the tray.

You wash a garment with a tissue in the pocket and your entire laundry comes out covered with lint.

The car behind you blasts its horn because you let a pedestrian finish crossing.

You set the alarm on your digital clock for 7 pm instead of 7 am.

The radio station doesn't tell you who sang that song.

You rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.

Your glasses slide off your ears when you perspire.

You can't look up the correct spelling of a word in the dictionary because you don't know how to spell it.

You had that pen in your hand only a second ago and now you can't find it.

You reach under the table to pick something off the floor and smash your head on the way up.

Trying to find a package of hot dog buns with the same number of buns as the number of hot dogs.

The waitress that took the order in a clockwise manner comes with the food and says, "Who got the fish?"

Just when you figure out which is which with the cable channels, they rearrange them.

The person at the checkout counter is waiting on you and taking your money and talking and paying attention only to their co-worker.

You fix or put something together and there's a part left over.

Someone decides you've just got to hear about the big surprise ending in the movie you were going to see.

Some mysterious person sneaks into your house and puts the drink container back into the fridge with just a few drops left in it.

Tele-marketers phone calls.

That guy on the plane that "carried on" his entire wardrobe.

 


A woman walks into a store.  Curious about a shiny object, she asks, "What is that?"

The store clerk responds, "It's a thermos."

The blond then asks, "What does it do?"

The clerk says "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." 

So she buys one. The next day, she brings it to work with her.  Her boss asks, "What is that shiny object?"

She replies "It's a thermos."

He asks, "What does it do?"

She says, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."

He then asks, "What do you have in there?"

"Two cups of coffee and a popsicle."

 


Every second lieutenant acquires embarrassing memories when he wears gold bars; it seems to come with the job.

The first time the Air Force sent me on temporary duty by myself, I experienced probably the most embarrassing moment in my life, which I tell here in hopes that other butter bars out there won't make the same mistake.

I was traveling from Wright-Patterson AFB OH to Vandenberg AFB CA one spring, and the flight scheduled me for a two-hour layover in the St. Louis MO airport.  I decided to hit the snack bar and bought a cup of coffee, a package of Oreos and a newspaper.  After giving the cashier the nine bucks or so these items cost, I scanned the crowded sitting area for a place to relax.  The lounge was crowded, but there appeared to be a spot across from a fellow in a military uniform of some sort. "Great!" I thought, "another soldier.  Maybe he can tell me about life in the forces..."

With my coffee on the right side of the table, my newspaper on the left and my Oreos in the center, I sat down before I took my first close look at the man opposite me.  He was a Marine Corps brigadier general--a mean-looking man with no hair, an real-life scar on his forehead and about six rows of ribbons, including the Silver Star with a cluster.  To me, the general had horns, fangs, a pitchfork and a long, pointed tail as well.

I was already committed to using the table, but not wanting to bother the general, I meekly squeaked out, "Good morning, sir," before sitting down.

I had begun the paper's crossword puzzle and was making good progress when I heard a peculiar rustling sound, much like the crinkling of cellophane.

I looked up out of the corner of my eye to discover the general had reached across the center of the table, opened the package of Oreos, taken out one and was eating it.  Now, not having attended the Air Force Academy, I was not familiar with how to deal with the finer points of military etiquette, such as what to do when a senior member of another service calmly rips off one of your cookies.  Several responses came to mind, but none of these seemed entirely appropriate.

I realized that the honor of the Air Force was, in a small way, at stake here. I certainly couldn't let the general think I was a complete weenie. Besides, at airport prices, one Oreo is a significant fraction of take-home pay for a second lieutenant.  The only response I could make was to reach across the center of the table, open the opposite end of the package (trying not to notice that the other end had mysteriously come open somehow), extract an Oreo and eat it very, very thoroughly.

"There," I thought, "I've subtly shown the general that these are my Oreos, and he should go buy his own."

Marines are known for many qualities, but subtlety is not among them. The general calmly reached out for another Oreo and ate it. (By the way, the general was licking the middles out first before eating the cookies.) Not having said anything the first time, of course, I couldn't bring it up now. The only thing to do was to take another cookie for myself.  We wound up alternating through the entire package.  For an instant our eyes met, and there was palpable tension in the air, but neither of us said a word.

After I had finished the last Oreo, they announced something over the public address system. The general got up, put his papers back into his briefcase, picked up the now empty wrapper, threw it away, brushed the few crumbs neatly off the table and left.  I sat there marveling at his gall and feeling very foolish.

A few minutes later, they announced my flight.

I felt a great deal more foolish when I finished my coffee, threw the cup away and lifted my newspaper to reveal...my Oreos!

Today, two of us are running around the Armed Forces telling the same story, but only one of us has the punch line.  And general, if you are reading this, get in touch with me and I will be glad to send you a case of Oreos.

 


Deep Thoughts

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table.  They couldn't help me.

When I get real bored, I like to drive down town and get a  great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard. I was an only child...eventually.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.

I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.

I wrote a song, but I can't read music.

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on  purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer & farther, trying to see it clearly)...and says, "Here, you can go."

I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out. The weatherman said, "I don't understand  it.  It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today."  I said  "Oops..."

My neighbor has a circular driveway.  He can't get out.

I bought some powdered water, but I didn't know what to add.

I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I have a hobby.  I have the world's largest collection of  sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it.

 


Confusing Thoughts

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"

When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be removed?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

 


One thing that has always bugged me, and I'm sure it does most of you, is to sit down at the dinner table only to be interrupted by a phone call from  a telemarketer. I decided, on one such occasion, to try to be as irritating as they were to me. The call was from AT&T and it went something like this:

Me: Hello

AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T...

Me: Is this AT&T?

AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T...

Me: This is AT&T?

AT&T: Yes This is AT&T...

Me: Is this AT&T?

AT&T: YES! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr. Byron please?

Me: May I ask who is calling?

AT&T: This is AT&T.

Me: Ok, hold on.

At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were still waiting.

Me: Hello?

AT&T: Is this Mr. Byron?

Me: May I ask who is calling please?

AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...

Me: Is this AT&T?

AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...

Me: This is AT&T?

AT&T: Yes, is this Mr. Byron?

Me: Yes, is this AT&T?

AT&T: Yes sir.

Me: The phone company?

AT&T: Yes sir.

Me: I thought you said this was AT&T.

AT&T: Yes sir, we are a phone company.

Me: I already have a phone.

AT&T: We aren't selling phones today Mr. Byron.

Me: Well what ever it is, I'm really not interested but thanks for calling.

When you are not interested in something, I don't think you can express yourself any plainer than by saying "I'm really not interested", but this lady was  persistent.

AT&T: Mr. Byron we would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a  day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.

Now, I am sure she meant she was offering a "rate" of 10 cents a minute but she at no time used the word rate. I could clearly see that it was time to whip out the trusty old calculator and do a little ciphering.

Me: Now, thats 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day?

AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes sir that's right! 24 hours a day!

Me: 7 days a week?

AT&T: That's right.

Me: 365 days a year?

AT&T: Yes sir.

Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! That's amazing!

AT&T: We think so!

Me: That's quite a sum of money!

AT&T: Yes sir, it's amazing how it ads up.

Me: Ok, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at  the end of the year for the full $52,560, and if you send an annual check, can I get a cash advance?

AT&T: Excuse me?

Me: You know, the 10 cents a minute.

AT&T: What are you talking about?

Me: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1008 per week and $52,560 per  year. I'm just interested in knowing how you will be making payment.

AT&T: Oh no sir I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a minute.

Me: Wait a minute here!!! Didn't you say you'd give me 10 cents a minute. Are you sure this is AT&T?

AT&T: Well, yes this is AT&T sir but...

Me: But nothing, how do you figure that by saying that you'll give me10 cents a minute that I'll give you 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme? I've read about things like this in the Enquirer you know. Don't use your brainwashing techniques on me.

AT&T: No sir we are offering 10 cents a minute for...

Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please!

AT&T: Sir I don't think that is necessary.

Me: Sure! You say that now! What happens later?

AT&T: What?

Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!

AT&T: Yes Mr. Byron. Please hold.

So now AT&T has me on hold and my supper is getting cold. I begin to eat while I'm waiting for a supervisor. After a wait of a few minutes and while I have a mouth full of food:

Supervisor: Mr. Byron?

Me: Yeth?

Supervisor: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program.

Me: I'd thish Ath Teeth & Teeth?

Supervisor: Yes sir, it sure is.

I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter and I had to be careful not to produce a snort.

Me: No, actually I was just waiting for someone to get back to me sothat I could sign up for the plan.

Supervisor: Ok, no problem, I'll transfer you back to the person who was helping you.

Me: Thank you.

I was on hold once again and was getting really hungry. I needed to end this conversation. suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at  the other end of the phone.

AT&T: Hello Mr. Byron, I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan?

Me: Do you have that friends and family thing?  Because you can never have enough friends and I'm an only child and I'd really like to have a little  brother...

AT&T: (click)

 


One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism.

Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband.

"A penny for your thoughts," she said.

"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50."

 


A minister was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners who was known as being an unkempt housekeeper.

When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life.  "Were these dishes ever washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime.  She replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them."

He felt a bit apprehensive, but blessed the food anyway and started eating.  It was really delicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes.  When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside whistled and yelled, "Here Soap!  Here Water!"

 


There was a little boy named Johnny who used to hang out at the local corner market. The owner didn't know what Johnny's problem was, but the boys would constantly tease him.

They would always comment that he was two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles short of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes they would offer Johnny his choice between a nickel (5 cents) and a dime (10 cents) and John would always take the nickel -- they said, because it was bigger.

One day after John grabbed the nickel, the store owner took him aside and said "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel.  Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?"

Slowly, Johny turned toward the store owner and a big grin appeared on his face and Johnny said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I have saved $20!"

 


TODAY'S STOCK MARKET REPORT

Helium was up, feathers were down.
Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remain unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.

 


If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can get going without pep pills,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,         
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him,
If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
If you can say honestly that deep in your heart you have no prejudice against creed, color, religion or politics,       
Then, my friend, you are almost as good as your dog!

 


MEDICAL DICTIONARY

Benign................................... What you be after eight
Artery..................................... The study of paintings
Barium................................... What doctors do when patients die
Catscan................................. Searching for the kitty
Cauterize............................... Made eye contact
Coma...................................... A punctuation mark
Labor pain............................. Getting hurt at work
Medical staff.......................... A doctors cane
Outpatient.............................. A person who has fainted
Fibula...................................... A small lie
Fester...................................... Quicker than someone else
Tumor...................................... More than one
Vein.......................................... Conceited
Terminal illness..................... Getting sick at the airport
Seizure.................................... Roman emperor
Recovery room..................... Place to do Upholstery


An out-of-towner in a desolated area drove his car into a ditch. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.

He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move. Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond. Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!"  And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind.  If he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"

 


ANAGRAMS are words or phrases made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. Here are some great ones:

Dormitory = Dirty Room
Desperation = A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code = Here Come Dots
Slot Machines = Cash Lost in 'em
Animosity = Is No Amity
Snooze Alarms = Alas! No More Z's
The Public Art Galleries = Large Picture Halls, I Bet
A Decimal Point = I'm a Dot in Place
Eleven plus two= Twelve plus one
Contradiction = Accord not in it

Politicians:
George Bush = He bugs Gore
Margaret Thatcher =  That great charmer

 


Bird Tags

According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated: Wash. Biol. Surv. until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper:

"Dear Sirs: While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you, it was horrible."

The bands are now marked Fish and Wildlife Service.

 


A hillbilly farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce.

The attorney asked, "May I help you?"

The hillbilly farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorce's."

The attorney said, "well do you have any grounds?"

The hillbilly farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres."

The attorney said, " No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"

The hillbilly farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."

The attorney said, "No you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?"

The hillbilly farmer said, "Yea I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere."

The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"

The hillbilly farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear to church on Sundays."

The exasperated attorney said, "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"

The hillbilly farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."

Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. "WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"

"Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."

 


Farmer Joe decided his injures from the accident were serious enough  to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" said the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the...."

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm  fine'?!"

Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told  the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several  weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he  is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."

Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just  by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the  Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me.

He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"

 


Real Advertisements??

Illiterate?  Write today for free help.

Auto Repair Service.  Free pick-up and delivery. 

Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

Our experienced Mom will care for your child.  Fenced yard, meals and smacks included.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory.  Must be willing to travel.

Stock up and save.  Limit: one.

Semi-annual After-Christmas sale.

3-year old teacher needed for pre-school.  Experience preferred.

Dinner special - Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery.  We do it carefully by hand.

Vacation special:  have your home exterminated.

Get rid of aunts.  Zap does the job in 24 hours.

Toaster:  A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

For rent:  6-room hated apartment.

Man, honest.  Will take anything.

Used cars:  Why go elsewhere to be cheated?  Come here first.

Christmas tag sale.  Handmade gifts for the hard to find person.

Wanted: Hair cutter.  Excellent growth potential.

Wanted:  Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

And now, the Superstore -- unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.

 


Some crazy quotes! :)

-Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
-Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
-Room service? Send up a larger room.
-Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
-A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
-I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book.
-I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
-Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
-Whatever it is I'm against it.

 


One afternoon, a man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side.  He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.  "Why are you eating grass?", he asked one man.

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.

"Oh, come along with me then."

"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"

"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man.

"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.

"Bring them as well!"

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo.  Once underway, one of the poor fellows says "Sir, you are too kind.  Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The rich man replied  "No, you don't understand, the grass at my home is about two metres tall!"

 


OUT OF THE MOUTH OF BABES

"I had been teaching my three-year-old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime she repeated it after me.  One night she said she was ready to solo.  I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer.  'Lead us not into temptations,' she prayed, 'but deliver us some e-mail.  Amen'"

 


Mr. Johnson, a businessman from Wisconsin, went on a business trip to Louisiana.  Upon arriving he immediately sent an e-mail message back to his wife, Jennifer to let her know he arrived.

Unfortunately, he forgot his wife's exact E-mail address and the E-mail ended up going to a Mrs. Joan Johnson of New Jersey.  She was the wife of a preacher and her husband had just passed away.  The preacher's wife took one look at the E-mail and promptly fainted.

When she was finally revived by her daughter,  she asked her what happened. Mrs. Johnson nervously pointed to the message.  It read:  "Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here."

 


There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman.  After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding.  Their life together was, of course, perfect.  One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the roadside in distress.  Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys.  Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.  Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor?

 

(Scroll down for the answer.)







The perfect woman.  She's the only one that really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man...

 

(Women, end e-mail here.  Men, keep scrolling.)












So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving.  This explains why there was a car accident.

(by the way if you're a woman, and you're reading this...this brings up another point...women never listen either...)


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