Laughter! ~ Page 3

The Bible says that "A merry heart doeth good like a medicine..." and Reader's Digest says that "Laughter is the Best Medicine," so here's a lot of medicine for you! Humorous stories, jokes, verbal faux pas, confusing thoughts, and much more! (In no order whatsoever!) Enjoy!


The Flag

    The kindergarten teacher was showing her class an encyclopedia page picturing several national flags.  She pointed to the American flag and asked, "What flag is this?"
    A little girl called out, "That's the flag of our country."
    "Very good," the teacher said.  "And what is the name of our country?"
    "'Tis of thee," the girl said confidently.


    A preacher visits an elderly woman from his congregation. As he sits  on the couch he notices a small bowl of peanuts on the coffee table.  "Mind  if I have a few?" he asks.
    "No, not at all," the woman replies and pushes the bowl closer.
    They  chat  for an hour and as the preacher stands to leave, he realizes instead of eating just a few peanuts, he has emptied the bowl.  "I'm terribly sorry for eating all the peanuts, I just meant to
have a few."
    "That's all right," the woman replied. "Ever since I lost my teeth, all I  can do is suck off the chocolate."


Oh my!

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest light in the harbour, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK," and left. The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

Drug Possession Defendant Christopher Jansen, on trial, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. Nonsense, said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five minute recess to compose himself.

Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store in a district court when he fired his lawyer. Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager testified that Newton was the robber. Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, "I should of blown your head off." The defendant paused, then quickly added, "if I'd been the one that was there." The jury took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommended a 30 year sentence.

R.C. Gaitlan, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officer asked him for identification. Gaitlan gave them his drivers license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlan because information on the screen showed Gaitlan was wanted for a two year old armed robbery in St.Louis, Missouri.

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shot gun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused saying, "I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his drivers license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.


A Christian couple felt it important to own a Christian pet. So, they went shopping for the right pet with proper training.

At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot.   When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home (piously, of course).

That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called the dog and showed off a little.

The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about "normal" tricks.

Well, they said, "Let's try this out."

Once more they called the dog, and they clearly pronounced the command,   "Heel!"

Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.


CNN REPORTS A NEW VIRUS HAS BEEN    RECENTLY DISCOVERED.  ONE PERSON CAN PASS IT ON TO MILLIONS AS IT IS VERY  CONTAGIOUS.

THE CENTER FOR DISEASE CONTROL HAS REPORTED THIS WEEK THAT THE VIRUS SPREADS VERY RAPIDLY FROM ONE PERSON TO THE NEXT.  THEY HAVE PUT A VERY INTERESTING NAME ON THIS VIRUS.  IT IS CALLED.......

 

 

 

 

 

A SMILE!

 

OH OH! TOO LATE!! I SEE IT ON YOUR FACE ALREADY!

:o) :-) 8) :) =)


Smiling is infectious,       : )          : )             : )
you catch it like the flu,        : )            : )           : )
: )          : )             : )          : )             : )
When someone smiled at         : )          : )             : )
me today, I started smiling too.        : )          : )
: )          : )         : )        : )          : )             : )
I passed around           : )          : )             : )
the corner, and someone saw my grin -       : )          : )
: )          : )             : )             : )          : )
When he smiled I     : )          : )             : )          : )
realized, I'd passed it on to him .        : )          : )
       : )          : )             : )             : )          : )
I thought about           : )          : )             : )
that smile, then I realized its worth,           : )          : )
: )          : )             : )          : )             : )
A single smile, just like           : )          : )             : )
mine, could travel round the earth.   : )             : )
         : )          : )             : )        : )             : )
So, if you feel a smile      : )          : )             : )
begin, don't leave it undetected -             : )          : )
: )          : )             : )          : )             : )
Let's start an epidemic        : )          : )             : )
quick and get the world infected !   : )             : )
        : )          : )             : )         : )             : )
: )          : )             : )         : )             : )