From: Pastoral Search Committee
To: Church Board
RE: Pastoral Search Report
We do not have a happy report to give. We've not been able to find a suitable candidate for this church, though we have one promising prospect still. We have checked three references on each one. The following is our confidential report on the present candidates:
ADAM: Good man but problems with his wife. They enjoy walking naked in the woods.
NOAH: Former pastorate of 120 years with no converts. Prone to unrealistic building projects.
JOSEPH: A big thinker, but a braggart, believes in dream interpreting, and has a prison record.
MOSES: Poor communicator, even stuttering at times. Some say he left an earlier church over a murder charge.
DAVID: The most promising leader of all until we discovered the affair he had with his neighbor's wife.
SOLOMON: Great preacher but our parsonage would never hold all those wives.
ELIJAH: Prone to depression--collages under pressure.
ELISHA: Reported to have lived with a single widow while at his former church.
HOSEA: A tender and loving pastor but our people could never handle his wife's occupation.
JEREMIAH: Emotionally unstable, alarmist, negative, and always lamenting things.
ISAIAH: On the fringe? Claims to have seen angels in church. Has trouble with his language.
JONAH: His references said he was swallowed by a great fish and was spit up on a shore nearby. We just hung up.
AMOS: Unpolished...has hang ups about wealthy people...would do better in a poor congregation.
JOHN: Has a weird diet and provokes denominational leaders but says he is a Baptist!
PETER: Has a bad temper--even has been known to curse. Aggressive, but a loose cannon.
PAUL: Preaches all night, short on tact and harsh.
TIMOTHY: Too young.
JUDAS: His references are solid. A steady plodder. Conservative. Good connections. Knows how to handle money. We're inviting him to preach this Sunday. Great possibilities here...