Pastoral Candidates

From: Pastoral Search Committee
To: Church Board
RE: Pastoral Search Report

We do not have a happy report to give. We've not been able to find a suitable candidate for this church, though we have one promising prospect still. We have checked three references on each one. The following is our confidential report on the present candidates:

ADAM: Good man but problems with his wife. They enjoy walking naked in the woods.

NOAH: Former pastorate of 120 years with no converts. Prone to unrealistic building projects.

JOSEPH: A big thinker, but a braggart, believes in dream interpreting, and has a prison record.

MOSES: Poor communicator, even stuttering at times. Some say he left an earlier church over a murder charge.

DAVID: The most promising leader of all until we discovered the affair he had with his neighbor's wife.

SOLOMON: Great preacher but our parsonage would never hold all those wives.

ELIJAH: Prone to depression--collages under pressure.

ELISHA: Reported to have lived with a single widow while at his former church.

HOSEA: A tender and loving pastor but our people could never handle his wife's occupation.

DEBORAH: Female.

JEREMIAH: Emotionally unstable, alarmist, negative, and always lamenting things.

ISAIAH: On the fringe? Claims to have seen angels in church. Has trouble with his language.

JONAH: His references said he was swallowed by a great fish and was spit up on a shore nearby. We just hung up.

AMOS: Unpolished...has hang ups about wealthy people...would do better in a poor congregation.

JOHN: Has a weird diet and provokes denominational leaders but says he is a Baptist!

PETER: Has a bad temper--even has been known to curse. Aggressive, but a loose cannon.

PAUL: Preaches all night, short on tact and harsh.

TIMOTHY: Too young.

JUDAS: His references are solid. A steady plodder. Conservative. Good connections. Knows how to handle money. We're inviting him to preach this Sunday. Great possibilities here...