Why Some Homeschoolers “Just Say
No” to Youth Groups
a lesson from biscuits &
quilt pieces
by Mrs. Patty Ramsey, Used by permission.
Butch and Patty Ramsey are editors of Seeds for the Sower.
By making the decision to home educate, we homeschoolers
have already shown that we are a free-thinking group. So not surprisingly, within the homeschooling community, we are
very diverse concerning our values and family lifestyles. While many parents place their home-grown
children in church activities and youth groups, others of us choose not to
participate.
Before I describe some of the factors that influenced our
family's decision to refrain, let me share with you a lesson I learned from
making biscuits.
I love the perfect dough my bread machine makes for
biscuits. It's the ideal texture to
roll out and cut. It doesn't stick to
the rolling pin or on the counter. However, there is one small problem. After making my initial cuts with my round
biscuit cutter, the scrap pieces don’t want to stick together to make a new
ball. When describing this problem to a
friend, she shared the uncomplicated solution.
She was taught by her mother to roll the dough into a rectangle and then
simply cut the biscuits into squares.
You're quickly done with no scraps to deal with. What an easy solution! I felt silly that I
hadn't thought of it myself. So simple...except, I still don't do it. Why?
Biscuits are round! At
least in my family they have been round as long as I can remember.
Sometimes we fail to see a solution or implement it
because it's not the way we're used to doing something. Since biscuits have always been round, ft
seems almost unpatriotic to even think about square ones. Similarly, since many of us grew up in youth
groups, it almost seems sacrilegious to question the role they should play in
our children's lives. But for the
length of this article, let's try to look at this institution from a different
perspective.
Quilts can also keep us on track as we consider the
usefulness of youth groups. As a young
child I remember being taught the importance of cutting out quilt pieces only
from the pattern. Never cut out a piece
from a previously cut out piece. Over
time, the very minute variation in size will make a difference in how the
overall quilt will come together.
Not only should we not accept youth groups as the status
quo because our church has always had one, we must also remember to evaluate
the youth group's usefulness using the Bible as the standard. In other words, when we use man's standards
(participating in an activity because that’s what is expected, worrying about
“socialization,” wanting our children to fit in, etc.) we have deviated from
using the original (the Bible) as our template.
The Bible and Youth Groups
With Strong's Concordance in hand, it doesn't take long
to look up all the verses containing “youth groups.” There aren't any.
While the church is given very detailed instructions for
dealing with older women, younger women, widows, young men and older men, there
are no specific instructions for teenagers.
Why? After all, first century
Christians also had children who were in their teens. What is the church's responsibility towards them? Since the Bible appears to be quiet about
this subject, we will have to use other Biblical principles to decide this
issue.
Three possible answers are:
1. The times have
changed. The church of the past may
have been able to disciple teens into strong Christian leaders without the
benefit of youth groups, but they are a necessity for youth today.
2. Since the Bible
did not give specific instructions to the church concerning youth, each church
is free to determine on its own how best to teach young adults.
3. The Bible does
not give the church specific instructions about youth because those
responsibilities had already been delegated to the parents. (Ephesians 6:4;
Deuteronomy 6:6-7) How you answer this
question will be the foundation for how you view youth groups.
Our family recognizes that it is the parents' duty to
train the child. We have decided not to
delegate that responsibility to others.
Before going into our reasons in detail, let me list them here quickly:
1. We do not want to have the children's father replaced as the spiritual
leader. 2. Youth group leaders usually do not meet Biblical standards. 3. Youth
activities tend to teach selfishness rather than service. 4. We don't want our
children to be peer dependent.
Father replaced as spiritual leader.
Like suggesting square biscuits, I know that any
criticism of church programs will upset some people. After all, we must acknowledge that those involved mean
well. I personally grew up in a youth
group and I know the amount of time and effort individuals give to keep it
going. But good intentions aside, is
this the best way to disciple our young—the next generation of church leaders?
Our country is currently involved in making decisions
about how to fix the welfare system.
Designed to be a safety net, welfare has now become a trap that has
snared a countless number of families in a cycle of dependency, Caught within
the trap, many children have grown up without any concept of what a father is
or what his role should be. They have never witnessed the family's leader
headed off to work to provide for his family.
Similarly, Sunday School was founded as a safety net to
train unchurched children about the basic elements of faith and proper church
behavior. It’s easy to sometimes forget
that the Christian faith was passed on for almost 2,000 years without the
benefit of children's programs. Sunday
School was not begun for churched children.
It was generally understood that the parents were directed by God to
instruct the children. Upon joining a
church, the father might even be questioned about how he was fulfilling his
responsibilities with regards to discipline his children.
Over time, Christians were included in the programs and
now in our day, they are considered to be the norm. However, we need to take a step back, drop our preconceived
notions, and examine the perhaps unintended fruit of these efforts.
Ponder these questions:
§ Has the family been strengthened
or weakened by youth groups?
§ Is the father and his biblically
given authority being replaced by a youth group
§ Look at youth group materials and
the subjects they are dealing with. Will issues like dating, sex, drugs,
relationships with parents, movies, etc. be dealt with best within the home or
within a youth group? Will a youth group leader be able
to reinforce the standards of each family represented within the group?
§ Could we be creating the
“'generation gap” by telling our youth they need someone besides Dad to
instruct them—someone closer to their own age who is more fun?
Leaders do not meet Biblical
standards.
Gasp! I
know—youth group leaders are as all-American as Mom, apple pie and round
biscuits. I also have heard the
expression, when you point one finger at others, three are pointed back at
you. So I'll go ahead and confess up
front. My husband Butch and I were
youth group leaders for a short period of time and yes, we did not meet biblical
standards.
What are the standards for a youth group leader? Since the Bible does not describe a separate
ministry for children, we will have to use the requirements given for
other positions of church leadership.
In 1 Timothy 3 we find the requirements for an overseer and a
deacon. One requirement they both share
is that they manage their family, specifically their children well. We are told their children must not be wild
for how could a man manage God's church if he can't control his own
household?
Sadly, many churches esteem youth and excitement rather
than maturity and wisdom when selecting youth leaders. Young married couples, often with babies and
toddlers are selected to lead the youth.
The reasoning behind this is usually that they can “relate” to the teens
better since they are barely out of their teens, and that they have the energy
and enthusiasm to keep up with all the frantic activity.
Once again, I am condemning myself with these words. We took the role of youth leaders, not
realizing that we had not yet proven our ability to lead. Our children were toddlers. While God promises to gently lead those with
young, we were taking on unnecessary responsibilities for other people's
children before we had even proven we knew what to do with our own. No one was able to examine our fruits. What knowledge did we have about raising
teenagers?
Some questions to consider:
§ Does your church use biblical
standards when selecting youth group leaders?
§ If not, why? Has man's wisdom (we know better what teens
need) replaced God's instruction?
Selfishness or service?
Have you ever stopped and tried to answer in one
sentence, “What is the purpose of the youth group?” Is R to entertain the
youth? Keep them out of trouble? Provide socialization? Minister to others? Do we expect the youth group to take over
our responsibility to teach the ways of the Lord to our children?
More questions to ponder:
§ Are non-stop pizza parties,
amusement park trips and camps the best way to prepare our children for a life of Christian
service?
§ Why are the youth, the ones with
all the vitality and enthusiasm, using their energies on themselves rather than
perhaps helping the sick or aged in the congregation?
§ Are we setting up our youth to be
adults who are self-centered, always looking for a bigger thrill and more excitement?
§ Will a young lady who has been
trained by the church to be a self-pleaser, naturally accept her role as a
Titus 2 woman - busy at home, content to love and care for her family?
§ Will a young man used to freedom
from responsibility naturally accept his role as the provider for a family?
§ Could we be tempting our children
to desire irresponsibility? What about
the youths’ responsibility to his family?
§ Should the parent's role during
the teen years be to chauffeur and provide money to the always busy teen?
I know this sounds like a gross exaggeration of what the
end result of weekly youth activities will be.
However, don't you personality know of many families that are being
neglected because the father feels it is his “right” to indulge himself in
golf, fishing, computers, work, etc. to a degree that is excessive? How about the wife who harms her family by
her need to shop, visit friends, play tennis and the like. Of course none of these activities are wrong
in and of themselves. However, many
adults today are not able to develop relationships and spend quiet, simple
times with family. For many, this
hyperactivity could be traced to childhood and the teenage years.
Peer Dependence
I don't think I need to explain much about peer
dependence in a magazine for homeschoolers.
Most of us already recognize the benefits our children have received
from not growing up in an age-segregated, peer dependent environment.
We recognize that our children will be negatively
impacted by the behavior and morals of other children in a school setting. However, we are tempted to rationalize that
they won't be affected by others within the church crowd. “Do not be misled: ‘Bad company corrupts
good character.’” (1 Corinthians 15:33) Notice there is no
disclaimer, “unless the association takes place within a church setting.” (See
also Proverbs 13:20)
I personally grew up in a very conservative church. Our youth memorized large amounts of
scripture, performed musicals for other churches, ministered at a nursing home,
as well as many other activities. Among
the teens, professions of faith were made, youth were baptized and church
attendance was very faithful. However,
within that group I was exposed to teens involved with drinking, drugs,
promiscuity, profanity, abortion, sibling incest and even armed robbery.
These children were not bussed in from non-Christian
families. Rather, their parents were
the teachers, deacons and leaders in our church. I learned from this experience that youth groups are not
safe. Everything is not always as
innocent as it appears. In fact,
because parents trust the youth group as a wholesome place for their child,
these activities often place our children in vulnerable positions; i.e.
lock-ins and camps.
If we are going to pray to our Heavenly Father “...and
load us not into temptation...” can we do no less for our children?
Churches today are losing the next generation. We can follow the crowd and watch our
children destroyed, or we can learn from others’ mistakes. In his booklet A Generation Which Knew
Not the Lord, Pastor Joseph P. Camilleri states, “I am afraid many
Christian parents are losing their children to the ‘fundamentalist system.'
Although many parents are grieved over situations within the body of Christ,
they fee/ that if everyone else is doing it that it will be a// tight in the
end. Unfortunately, those parents of
the children that are 'doing it' will not be around on those sleepless nights
because it didn’t ‘work out OK in the end.’' That brother or sister who
compromised on convictions that were once held by the majority of God's people
is not accountable for our wayward child We must give an account. The unfortunate thing is that you can only
lose a child once.”
The Perfect Youth Group
What type of group would we allow our children to
join? One where the leadership had
biblical authority, where servanthood was presented alongside fun, where
association with “fools” was limited or closely supervised, and where the
discipleship method of teaching the ways of the Lord was implemented.
As you may have guessed by now, they already belong to
such a group. It's called our family!
(To receive a copy of A Generation Which Knew Not the
Lord, send $ 3.00 to Old Paths Bible Baptist Church, P.O. Box 169, N.
Greece, NY 14515-0169)