Laughter! ~ Page 2
The Bible says that "A merry heart doeth good like a medicine..." and Reader's Digest says that "Laughter is the Best Medicine," so here's a lot of medicine for you! Humorous stories, jokes, verbal faux pas, confusing thoughts, and much more! (In no order whatsoever!) Enjoy!
For a couple years I've been blaming it on iron poor blood, lack of vitamins, dieting and a dozen other maladies. But now I found out the real reason. I'm tired because I'm overworked. The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government. This leaves 19 million to do the work. Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Gov't and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work. Now, there are 11,998 people in prisons.That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And you're sitting there goofing around on E-mail ! :)
The old pastor made it to a practice to visit the parish school one day a week. He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name. They came up with about 40 names. He jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states. One lad raised his hand and said, "Yes, but in those days there were only 13."
MY TOWN WAS SO SMALL THAT...
They had to widen the main street to paint the white line down the middle.
They only had one yellow page.
Baskin Robbins had only nine flavors.
One lady left her porch light on in December and won first prize for her Christmas decorations.
They only had a semi-circle K.
They had to share their horse with another town.
No one used their turn signals because everyone knew where you are going.
All the City Limits signs were on one pole.
The same guy got all the Father's Day cards.
Their only traffic light changed weekly.
The first baby of the year was born in July.
They had to close the Zoo because the chicken died.
Only in America...
can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in America...
are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Only in America...
do banks leave both doors open but chain the pens to the
counters.
Only in America...
do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a
"diet" coke.
Only in America...
do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and
leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage.
Only in America...
do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call
waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to
talk to in the first place.
Only in America...
do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of
eight.
Only in America...
do we use the word "politics" to describe the process
so well: "Poli" in latin meaning "many" and
"tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures".
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared tha signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched!
Once a woman won a bucketful of quarters at a slot machine. She took a break from the slots for dinner with her husband in the hotel dining room. But first she would stash the quarters in her room. "I'll be right back and we'll go to eat," she told her husband and she carried the coin-laden bucket to the elevator. As she was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men already aboard. One of them was big... Very big... An intimidating figure. The woman froze. Her first thought was: These two are going to rob me. Her next thought was: Don't be silly, they look like perfectly nice gentlemen, even if one of them is awfully big. But fear immobilized her. She stood and stared at the two men. She felt anxious, flustered, ashamed. She hoped they didn't read her mind but knew they surely did; her hesitation about joining them on the elevator was all too obvious. Her face burned. She couldn't just stand there, so with a mighty effort of will she picked up one foot and stepped forward and followed with the other foot and was on the elevator. Avoiding eye contact, she turned around stiffly and faced the elevator doors as they closed. A second passed, and then another second, and then another. The elevator didn't move. Panic consumed her. "I'm trapped," she thought, "and about to be robbed!" Her heart plummeted. Perspiration poured from every pore. Then one of the men said, "Hit the floor." Instinct told her: Do what they tell you. The bucket of quarters flew upwards as she threw out her arms and collapsed on the elevator carpet. A shower of coins rained down on her. Take my money and spare me, she prayed. More seconds passed. She heard one of the men say politely, "Ma'am, if you'll just tell us what floor you're going to, we'll push the button." The one who said it had a little trouble getting the words out. He was trying mightily to hold in a belly laugh. She lifted her head and looked up at the two men. They reached down to help her up. Confused, she struggled to her feet. "When I told my man here to hit the floor," one of the men, the average sized one, told her, "I meant that he should hit the elevator button for our floor. I didn't mean for you to hit the floor, ma'am." He spoke genially. He bit his lip. It was obvious he was having a hard time not laughing. She thought: "What a spectacle I've made of myself!" She was too humiliated to speak. She wanted to blurt out an apology, but words failed her. How do you apologize to two perfectly respectable gentlemen for behaving as though they were robbing you? She didn't know. The 3 of them gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her bucket. When the elevator arrived at her floor they insisted on walking her to her room. She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and they were afraid she might not make it down the corridor. At her door they bid her good evening. As she slipped into her room she could hear them laughing while they walked back to the elevator. The woman brushed herself off. She pulled herself together and went downstairs for dinner with her husband. The next morning flowers were delivered to her room ~ a dozen roses. Attached to each rose was a crisp one hundred dollar bill. A card said: "Thanks for the best laugh we've had in years."
An actual tip from an "Environmental, Health & Safety Handbook for Employees.": "Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes."
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason? Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them (the deer) to cross there.
On the back of some frozen chili, the directions read, "Heat 4-5 minutes, turn 180 degrees clockwise." I wonder, if I were to turn it 180 degrees counter-clockwise, would it not cook correctly?
It's always difficult to bring sad news, but you should know...
There was a great loss today in the entertainment world. The man who wrote the song "Hokey Pokey" died.
What was really horrible is that they had trouble keeping the body in the casket. They'd put his left leg in and...well, you know the rest.
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you".
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you. " Totally rattled, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.
"Yes," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you. " The burglar relaxed.
"Warn me, huh? Who do you think you are any way?"
"Moses," Replied the bird.
"Moses" the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot 'Moses'?"
The bird promptly answered: "The same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler 'Jesus'!"
YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN A BIG CITY WHEN...
~The
fastest part of your commute is down your driveway.
~You were
born somewhere else.
~You know
how to eat an artichoke.
~The
primary bugs that you worry about are electronic.
~Your car
has bulletproof windows.
~Left is
right and right is wrong.
~Your
monthly house payments exceed your annual income.
~You drive
to your neighborhood block party.
~Your cat
has its own psychiatrist.
~You don't
eat lunch, you "do lunch."
A man's business was growing and he decided to open his 1st international office in Australia. His friends got together and decided to send him flowers for the occasion.
They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, "Rest in Peace". The owner was angry and immediately called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this. Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, 'Congratulations on your new location down under'."
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Patrol Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"
So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back - wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...Twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."
Food Spoilage Test
FINALLY, a way to know what to pitch and what to save!
THE GAG TEST
Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from
what you cooked for yourself last night).
EGGS
When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg
is probably past its prime.
DAIRY PRODUCTS
Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can't get
any more spoiled than it is already. Cheddar cheese is spoiled
when you think it is blue cheese but you realize you've
never purchased that kind.
FROZEN FOODS
Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting
problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled (or
wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen
knife.
EXPIRATION DATES
This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away
perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries.
Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calender in your kitchen.
MEAT
If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a
three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is
spoiled.
FLOUR
Flour is spoiled when it wiggles.
SALT
It never spoils.
CEREAL
It is generally a good rule of thumb that cereal should be
discarded when it is two years or longer beyond the expiration
date.
LETTUCE
Bibb lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of
the vegetable crisper without Comet. Romaine lettuce is
spoiled when it turns liquid.
CARROTS
A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.
RAISINS
Raisins should not be harder than your teeth.
POTATOES
Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy
undergrowth.
CHIP DIP
If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the
floor, it has gone bad.
EMPTY CONTAINERS
Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an old
trick, but it only works if you live with someone or have a maid.
UNMARKED ITEMS:
You know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to discard
the Tupperware along with the food.
GENERAL RULE OF THUMB:
Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a
hamster. Keep a hamster in or nearby your refrigerator to gauge
this.
A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife. He says to the doctor, "Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things."
"Well," the doctor replied, "go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn't reply move about 5 feet close and say it again. Keep doing this so that we'll get an idea about the severity of her deafness".
Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
He hears no response.
He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply.
He moves 5 feet closer. Still no reply.
He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
She replies, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!"
What to Do With Hotel Soap
The following letters are taken from an actual incident between a London hotel and one of its guests. The Hotel ended up submitting the letters to the London Sunday Times.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Maid,
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my
bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please
remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the
medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They
are in my way.
Thank you,
S. Berman
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Room 635,
I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday,
from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap
dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out
of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you
should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today
which my instructions from the management is to leave 3 soaps
daily. I hope this is satisfactory.
Kathy, Relief Maid
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Maid - I hope you are my regular maid.
Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning
the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening
I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my
medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for two
weeks and have brought my own bath-size Dial so I won't need
those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf. They are in my way
when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please remove them.
S. Berman
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman,
My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps
which we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps
which were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish
where your Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for
your convenience. I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which
are always placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new
check-ins and which you did not object to when you checked in
last Monday. Please let me know if I can be of further
assistance.
Your regular maid,
Dotty
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman,
The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this morning
that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with
your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I
hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If
you have any future complaints please contact me so I can give it
my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.
Thank you.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Miss Carmen,
It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel
for business at 7:45 AM and don't get back before 5:30 or 6PM.
That's the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were
already off duty. I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do
anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid you
assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in today, since
she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet
along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bath-room shelf.
In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap.
Why are you doing this to me?
S. Berman
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman,
Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to
your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further
assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.
Thank you,
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Kensedder,
My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my
room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night
and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere
Bouquets.
S. Berman
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman,
I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap
problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room
since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time
they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately.
Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.
Martin L. Kensedder
Assistant Manager
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Who left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night
and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of
Camay. I want my one bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize I have
54 bars of soap in here? All I want is my bath size Dial. Please
give me back my bath-size Dial.
S. Berman
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman,
You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them
removed. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap
was missing so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which
had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive
daily. I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets.
Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your
soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I
don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size
Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in
your room.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap
inventory. As of today I possess:
- On the shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks
of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
- On the Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1
stack of 3.
- On the bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack
of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
- Inside the medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1
stack of 2.
- In the shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
- On the northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly
used.
- On the northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.
Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the
stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that
stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that
my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent
spot for future soap deliveries.
One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial
which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further
misunderstandings.
S. Berman
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But officer," the man began, "I can explain."
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say--"
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding...He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
In Ireland there is a mental institution that every year picks two of it's most reformed patients and questions them. If they get the questions right, they are free to leave.
This year the two lucky gents were Patty and Mike. The were called down to the office and left there by the orderly. They were told to wait as the doctor got their files. The doctor came out and motioned for Patty to come in for his questioning. When Patty got in the office he was instructed to sit in the seat across from the doctor.
"Patty, you know the tradition of this institution so I imagine you know why you are here. You will be ask two questions and if you get them right you will be free to go. Do you understand all that you have been told?" Said the doctor with a rather sly grin.
Patty complied and the doctor began to question him. The first question was this. "Patty, if I was to poke out one of your eyes what would happen?"
"I would be half blind of course," Patty answered without much thought.
"What would happen if I poked out the other eye?"
"I would be completely blind," said Patty knowing that he had just gotten his freedom. The doctor then sent him outside while he drew up the paperwork and accessed Mike's files. When Patty got into the waiting room however, he told Mike what the questions would be and what the correct answers were. Then the doctor gave Patty his papers and called Mike in.
He followed the same procedure that he had with Patty.
"Mike, the first question is, what would happen if I cut off your ear?"
"I would be blind in one eye," He said remembering what he had been told.
This received a perplexed look from the doctor but he just simply asked the other question so that he could figure out what the man was thinking.
"Mike, what would happen if I cut off your other ear?"
"I would be completely blind," He answered with a smile as if he knew he had passed. But then the doctor ask him what his reasoning was and he said flatly, "Me hat would fall down over me eyes."
A man was brought to Mercy Hospital, and taken quickly in for coronary surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.
"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"
"No, sorry, I don't have any insurance," the man whispered hoarsely.
"Can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun.
"I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."
"Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun essayed.
"Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a humble spinster nun."
"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not 'spinsters;' they are married to God."
"Wonderful," said Smith. "In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law."
The pope was
winding up one of his official visits to a far-away country . . .
the masses had been well attended, the speeches well received. .
. the pope was pleased, as he looked out the window of the papal
limosine, on the way to the airport . . .
"You know,"
he said to his driver, "I haven't driven a car in years, and
I really loved to drive. Let me drive for a while."
"Yes, of course,
your Holiness," said the driver and pulled over. And the
pope climbed into the driver's seat.
The pope loved
it! And, before he knew it, the limosine was zooming along
at 95 miles an hour . . . and just as quickly, he had the law on
his back. One of the officers walked up to the window and looked
in.
Then, he went back to
his partner and said, --"I don't think we can give him a
ticket."
"Why?" asked
the partner.
The speechless officer
could only motion with his thumb, "It's a high one, a really
high-placed one."
"Well,"
asked the partner, "is it the president?"
"Higher!"
motioned the the officer.
"Donald
Trump?"
"Higher,
higher!"
"Who, then?"
"I couldn't see
him," said the officer, "but the Pope is his
chauffeur."
A woman was getting a pie ready to put into the oven when the phone rang. It was the school nurse: Her son had some down with a high fever and would she come and take him home? The mother calculated how long it would take to drive to school and back, and how long the pie should bake, and concluded there was enough time. Popping the pie in the oven, she left for school.
When she arrived, her son's fever was worse and the nurse urged her to take him to the doctor. Seeing her son like that - his face flushed, his body trembling and dripping with perspiration - frayed her, and she drove to the clinic as fast as she dared. She was frayed a bit more waiting for the doctor to emerge from the examining room, which he was doing now, walking toward her with a slip of paper in his hand.
"Get him to bed," he told her, handing her the prescription, "and start him on this right away."
By the time she got the boy home and in bed and headed out again for the shopping mall, she was not only frayed, but frazzled and frantic as well. And she had forgotten about the pie in the oven. At the mall she found a pharmacy, got the prescription filled and rushed back to the car. Which was locked. Yes, there were her keys, hanging in the ignition switch, locked inside the car.
She ran back into the mall, found a phone and called home. When her son finally answered, she blurted out, "I've locked the keys inside the car!"
The boy was barely able to speak. In a hoarse voice he whispered, "Get a wire coat hanger, Mom. You can get in with that." The phone went dead.
She began searching the mall for a wire coat hanger - which turned out not to be easy. Wooden hangers and plastic hangers were there in abundance, but shops didn't use wire hangers anymore. After combing through a dozen stores, she found one that was behind the times just enough to use wire hangers. Hurrying out of the mall, she allowed herself a smile of relief.
As she was about to step off the curb, she halted. She stared at the wire coat hanger. "I don't know what to do with this!" Then she remembered the pie in the oven. All the frustrations of the past hour collapsed on her and she began crying.
Then she prayed. "Dear Lord, my boy is sick and he needs this medicine and my pie is in the oven and the keys are locked in the car and, Lord, I don't know what to do with this coat hanger. Dear Lord, send somebody who does know what do with it, and I really need that person NOW, Lord. Amen."
She was wiping her eyes when a beat-up older car pulled up to the curb and stopped in front of her. A young man, twentyish-looking, in a t-shirt and ragged jeans, got out. The first thing she noticed about him was the long, stringy hair, and then the beard that hid everything south of his nose. He was coming her way. When he drew near she stepped in front of him and held out the wire coat hanger. "Young man," she said, "do you know how to get into a locked car with one of these?"
He gaped at her for a moment, then plucked the hanger from her hand. "Where's the car."
Telling the story, she said she had never seen anything like it - it was simply amazing how easily he got into her car. A quick look at the door and window, a couple of twists of the coat hanger and bam! Just like that, the door was open.
When she saw the door open she threw her arms around him. "Oh," she said, "the Lord sent you! You're such a good boy. You must be a Christian."
He stepped back and said, "No ma'am, I'm not a Christian, and I'm not a good boy. I just got out of prison yesterday."
She jumped at him and she hugged him again - fiercely. "Bless God!" she cried. "He sent me a professional!"
At the movie theater...
When the usher noticed a man stretched across three seats in the movie theater, he walked over and whispered, "Sorry, sir, but you're allowed only one seat." The man moaned but didn't budge.
"Sir," the usher said more loudly, "if you don't move, I'll have to call the manager." The man moaned again but stayed where he was. The usher left and returned with the manager, who, after several attempts at dislodging the fellow, called the police.
The cop looked at the reclining man and said, "All right, what's your name, joker?"
"Joe," he mumbled.
"And where're you from, Joe?"
Joe responds painfully... "The balcony."
Four expectant fathers were in Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor. The nurse comes in and tells the first man, "Congratulations, You're the father of twins."
"What a coincidence" the man exclaims. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."
The nurse returns a short while later and tells the second man, "You are the father of triplets."
"Wow, what a coincidence" he replies. "I work for the 3M Corporation."
When the nurse comes again, she tells the third man that his wife has given birth to quadruplets. "Another coincidence I work for the Four Seasons Hotel."
At this point, the fourth guy faints. When he comes to, the others ask what's wrong. "What's wrong? I work for Seven-Up!"
A Great Cup of Tea
(This is taken from the Dr. James Dobson Bulletin for June 1998)
Have you noticed that children sometimes try to be helpful, but it makes your life more complicated?
I heard a story about a mother who was sick with the flu. Her darling daughter wanted to be a good nurse. She fluffed the pillows and brought a magazine for her mother to read. And then she showed up with a cup of tea.
Why, "your such a sweetheart," the mother said as she drank the tea. "I didn't know you could make tea."
"Oh, yes," the little girl replied. "I put the tea leaves in the water like you do, and I boiled it, and then I strained it into a cup. But I couldn't find a strainer, so I used the flyswatter."
"You what?"
And the little girl said, "Oh, don't worry, mom. I didn't use the new flyswatter. I used the old one."
Adam was walking
around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam,
"What is wrong with you?"
Adam complained that
he didn't have anyone to talk to, so God said He was going to
give him a companion, and it would be a woman. He said,
"This person will cook for you an dwash your clothes; she
will always agree with every decision you make. She will
bear you children and never ask you to get up in the middle of
the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and
will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a
disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will
freely give you love and compassion whenever needed.
Adam asked God,
"What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An
arm and a leg."
"What can I get
for just a rib?" Adam questioned.
And the rest is
history...
This diet is designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during the day
BREAKFAST
1/2 Grapefruit
1 Slice Whole Wheat Toast - Dry
8 oz Skim Milk
LUNCH
4 oz Lean Broiled Chicken Breast
1 cup Steamed Spinach
1 cup Herb Tea
1 Oreo Cookie
MIDAFTERNOON SNACK
Rest of the Oreos in the Package
2 Pints of Rocky Road Icecream
I Jar Hot Fudge Sauce
Nuts, Cherries, Whipped Cream
DINNER
2 Loaves Garlic Bread with Cheese
Large Sausage, Mushroom and Cheese Pizza
4 Cans or 1 Large Pitcher of Soda
3 Milky Way or Snickers Candy Bars
LATE EVENING NEWS
Entire Frozen Cheesecake eaten directly from
freezer
RULES FOR THIS DIET
1. If you eat something and no-one sees you eat it,
it has no calories.
2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the
calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda.
3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't
count if you don't eat more than they do.
4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count,
such as hot chocolate, brandy toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, you
look thinner.
6. Movie related foods do not have additional
calories because they are part of the entire entertainment
package and not part of one's personal fuel, such as Milk Duds,
Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, and Tootsie
Rolls.
7. Cookies pieces contain no calories. The
process of breaking causes calorie leakage.
8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no
calories if you are in the process of preparing something.
Examples: Peanut Butter on a knife making a
sandwich; Icecream on a spoon making a sundae.
9. Foods that have the same color have the same
number of calories. Examples are: Spinach & Peas, Carrots
& Carrot Cake
A young woman walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin. Out pops a coke. The young woman looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins. She returns and starts feeding the machine madly and of course the machine keeps feeding out drinks. Another person walks up behind the young woman and watches her antics for a few minutes before stopping her and asking if someone else could have a go. The young woman spins around and shouts in her face: "Can't you see I'm winning."
Two young women were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't. The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."
In a certain suburban
neighborhood, there were two brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who
were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the
neighborhood, it turned out they had had a hand in it. Their
parents were at their wit's end trying to control them.
Hearing about a priest
nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to
the father that they ask the priest to talk with the boys.
The father replied,
"Sure, do that before I kill them!"
The mother went to the
priest and made her request. He agreed, but said he wanted
to see the younger boy first and alone. So the mother sent
him to the priest.
The priest sat the boy
down across a huge, impressive desk he sat behind. For
about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other.
Finally, the priest pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked,
"Where is God?"
The boy looked under
the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, but said
nothing.
Again, louder, the
priest pointed at the boy and asked, "Where is God?"
Again the boy looked
all around but said nothing. A third time, in a louder,
firmer voice, the priest leaned far across the desk and put his
forefinger almost to the boy's nose, and asked, "Where is
God?"
The boy panicked and
ran all the way home. Finding his older brother, he dragged
him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they
usually plotted their mischief. He finally said, "We
are in BIG trouble!"
The older boy asked,
"What do you mean, BIG trouble?"
His brother replied,
"God is missing and they think we did it."
GOLDWYNISMS
Samuel Goldwyn, the movie producer who founded Goldwyn Productions and Metro-Goldwyn-Meyer was known for his misuse of the English language. Here are some of my favorite Goldwynisms:
"An oral contract isn't worth the paper it's written on."
"Any man who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined."
"In two words, impossible."
"Include me out."
"I don't care if it (his new picture) doesn't make a nickel. I just want every man woman and child in America to see it."
When Goldwyn's secretary asked him if she should destroy files that were more than ten years old, he answered, "Yes, but keep copies."
"I'm willing to admit that I may not always be right, but I am never wrong."
"Tell them (the actors) to stand closer apart."
"If I were in this business only for the business, I wouldn't be in this business."
"You fail to overlook the crucial point."
"For your information, just answer me one question!'
"It's absolutely impossible, but it has possibilities."
"Put it out of your mind. In no time, it will be a forgotten memory."
"Go see that turkey for yourself, and see for yourself why you shouldn't see it."
"Can she sing? She's practically a Florence Nightingale."
"Give me a couple of years and I'll make that actress an overnight success."
"True, I've been a long time making up my mind, but now I'm giving you a definite answer. I won't say yes and I won't say no--but I'm giving you a definite maybe."
The boss caught an employee not wearing his company-logo pin. The quick-thinking young man said, "Sorry sir. I must have left it on my pajamas."
A Letter From a CONFUSED Mother to her Daughter
Dear Child:
I am writing this slow
because I know that you can't read fast. We don't live
where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the paper
that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we
moved. I won't be able to send you the address, as the last
family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so
that they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is real
nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works
too well though. Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and
haven't seen them since. The weather isn't too bad here, it only
rained twice last week. The first time it rained for three days
and the second time for four days.
The coat you wanted me
to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy
to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and
put them in the pockets.
John locked his keys
in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took
him two hours to get me and Shelby out.
Your sister had a baby
this morning but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't
know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl your
sister is going to name it after me; she's going
to call it mom.
Three of your friends
went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He
rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two friends were
in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the
tailgate down.
There isn't much more
news at this time. Nothing much has happened.
Love, Mom
PS - I was going to send you some money but the envelope was
already sealed.
YOU MIGHT BE A BIG SISTER IF...
* You can type almost as well with one hand (with the other holding a baby) as with both hands free.
* You're quite talented at doing all computer work while holding/feeding/burping a baby.
* When you get spit up on a shirt you say, "Oh well! I'm washable."
* You don't "officially" babysit, but you care for children every single day of your life.
* You tend to sway your body back and forth, even when not holding a baby.
* When your handwriting's bad on some homework, your excuse is that you had a "helper."
* You can practice piano while cuddling a baby.
* Your bedroom wall is decorated with baby motifs.
* You think that holding a baby is a good enough excuse to get you out of schoolwork.
* You forward this e-mail while holding a baby! :)
Do you realize that the only time in our
lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're
less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you
think in fractions. How old are you?.... "I'm four and
a half"....You're never 36 and a half....you're four and a
half going on five! That's the key. You get into your
teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next
number. How old are you? "I'm gonna be
16." You could be 12, but you're gonna be 16.
And then the greatest day of your life
happens....you become 21. Even the words sound like a
ceremony....you BECOME 21...YES!!! But then you turn 30....ooohhh
what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk....He
TURNED, we had to throw him out. There's no fun now. What's
wrong?? What changed??
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're
PUSHING 40.....stay over there, it's all slipping away........
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you're PUSHING 40, you REACH
50.....and your dreams are gone.
Then you MAKE IT to 60.....you didn't think
you'd make it!!!! So you BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you're PUSHING
40, you REACH 50, you MAKE IT to 60......then you build up so
much speed you HIT 70!
After that, it's a day by day thing.
After that, you HIT Wednesday.... You get into your 80's,
you HIT lunch. You TURN 4:30, my grandmother won't even buy
green bananas....it's an investment you know, and maybe a bad
one.
And it doesn't end there....into the 90's you
start going backwards.... I was JUST 92...
Then a strange thing happens. If you
make it over 100, you become a little kid again.... "I'm 100
and a half!!!!"
An elderly husband
and wife noticed that they were beginning to forget many little
things around the house. They were afraid that this could be
dangerous, as one of them may accidently forget to turn off the
stove and thus cause a fire. So, they decided to go see their
physician to get some help. Their physician told them that many
people their age find it useful to write themselves little notes
as reminders. The elderly couple thought this sounded wonderful,
and left the doctor's office very pleased with the advice.
When they got home,
the wife said, "Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and
get me a dish of ice cream? And why don't you write that down so
you won't forget?"
"Nonsense,"
said the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream!"
"Well," said
the wife, "I'd also like some strawberries on it. You better
write that down, because I know you'll forget."
"Don't be
silly," replied the husband. "A dish of ice cream and
some strawberries. I can remember that!"
"OK, dear, but
I'd like you to put some whipped cream on top. Now you'd really
better write it down now. You'll forget," said the wife.
"Come now, my
memory's not all that bad," said the husband. "No
problem a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped
cream."
With that, the husband
shut the kitchen door behind him. The wife could hear him getting
out pots and pans, and making some noise inconsistent with his
preparing a dish of ice cream, strawberries, and whipped cream.
He emerged from the kitchen about 15 minutes later. Walking over
to his wife, he presented her with a plate of bacon and eggs.
The wife took one look
at the plate, glanced up at her husband and said, "Hey, you
forgot the toast!"
The Lady and Her Bible
Once there was a
Christian lady who had to do a lot of traveling for her business
so she did a lot of flying. But flying made her nervous so she
always took her Bible along with her to read and it
helped relax her. One time she was sitting next to a man. When he
saw her pull out her Bible he gave a little chuckle and went back
to what he was doing.
After a while he
turned to her and asked, "You don't really believe all that
stuff in there do you?"
The lady replied,
"Of course I do. It is the Bible."
He said, "Well
what about that guy that was swallowed by that big fish?"
She replied, "Oh,
Jonah. Yes I believe that."
He asked, "Well,
how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the
fish?" The lady said, "Well I don't really know. I
guess when I get to heaven I will ask him."
"What if he isn't
in heaven?" asked the man sarcastically.
"Then you can ask
him," replied the lady.
The local farmers
had been thoroughly bilked many times by a certain car dealer in
town. Then one day, the car dealer informed a farmer that
he was coming around to buy a cow. The farmer attached the
following price information to the cow:
Basic
Cow:
$500.00
Two-tone
exterior:
$45.00
Extra
stomach:
$75.00
Product-storing equipment: $60.00
Straw
chopper:
$40.00
4
spigots@$30/each
$120.00
Cowhide
upholstery:
$125.00
Dual
horns:
$15.00
Automatic fly
swatter:
$38.00
Fertilizer
attachment:
$185.00
--------------------------------------------------------
TOTAL:
$1203.00
Frequently Asked Questions for Etch-A-Sketch Technical Support
Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines
all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the
same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my
Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it.
Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month--a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system..."
A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
Are We Not Communicating?
A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor asked.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"
You Might Be A Home-schooler If...
You come to school in your PJ's.
Your biology lab consists of assisting
in your sibling's birth.
Your stacks of books to check out is
taller than the librarian.
Your PE comes from chasing little
toddlers around.
Your school bus is a 9 passenger van.
You consider school work after lunch to
be cruel and unusual punishment.
Your father has ever told the check-out
lady at Wal-mart, "We're on a field trip."
Your social life is viewed by some to be
one rung lower than that of a Benedictine monk.
Your teacher has ever written your
report card on a napkin.
You have to move dirty laundry off your
desk before your can start school.
The signatures on your diploma all end
with the same last name.
Your Mother's wardrobe consists
primarily of denim jumpers.
Your first real date is on your
honeymoon.
The word 'homework' sounds like an
foreign language.
Your yearbook is also your babybook.
A snow day means that you shovel the
driveway after you finish your school work.
You forward e-mail's like this one
between Math and English.
Health class consists of eating
breakfast.
You have to decide what year you want to
graduate.
You are always late but just call it
"homeschooler time."
You can remember nearly every single day
you went to public school.
You are one of the best people in the
world! :)
[Some of these came from Joshua Harris' New Attitude website, at http://www.newattitude.com,
and were written by Josh Carden.]
Dear Mom,
Our scout master told
us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and
worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2
sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got
drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad
when it happened. Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and
tell her he is OK. He can't write because of the cast. I got to
ride in one of the search & rescue jeeps. It was
neat. We never would have found him in the
dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Webb got
mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling
anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the
fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if
you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up? The wet wood
still didn't burn, but one of our tents did. Also some of our
clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair
grows back.
We will be home on
Saturday if Scoutmaster Webb gets the car fixed. It
wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked
OK when we left. Scoutmaster Webb said that a car that old
you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why
he can't get insurance on it. We think it's a neat
car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's
hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate. It gets
pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us take turns
riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and
talked to us. Scoutmaster Webb is a neat guy. Don't
worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry
how to drive. But he only lets him drive on the mountain
roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are
logging trucks.
This morning all of
the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the
lake. Scoutmaster Webb wouldn't let me because I can't swim
and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let
us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You
can still see some of the trees under the water from the
flood. Scoutmaster Webb isn't crabby like some
scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life
jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we
are trying not to cause him any trouble.
Guess what? We
have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the
lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Also
Wade and I threw up. Scoutmaster Webb said it probably was just
food poisoning from the leftover chicken, he said they got sick
that way with the food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he
got out and become our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured
out how to get things done better while he was doing his
time. I have to go now. We are going into town to
mail our letters and buy bullets. Don't worry about anything. We
are fine.
Love, Cole
P.S. How long
has it been since I had a tetanus shot?
| Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
| hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
| wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
| thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
| finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended
| measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
| breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
| vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
| knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
| classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
| dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
| promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
| sent away as soon as possible.
|
| Project Leader
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------
| A MEMO WAS SOON SENT FOLLOWING THE LETTER:
|
| That Bob was reading over my shoulder when I wrote
| the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read every second
| line (i.e.. 1, 3, 5, 7, 9 --NOT every second sentence)
for my true
assessment of him.
|
| Regards,
|
| Derek Crabb
| Project Leader
WAYS TO BE ANNOYING
*Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
*Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
*If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others
* Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
*Practice making fax and modem noises.
*Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
*Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
*Staple papers in the middle of the page.
*Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
*TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE..
*type only in lowercase.
*dont use any punctuation either
*Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
*Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce, "No, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
*Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
*Sing along at the opera.
*Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."
Some things new parents should know . . .
*Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
*Super glue is forever.
*VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches, even though TV commercials show they do.
*You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
*Always look in the oven before you turn it on--plastic toys do not like ovens.
*Quiet does not necessarily mean don't worry.
*A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).
My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to our six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," she replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," my wife said.
Our daughter bowed her head and said, "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000.
The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral and so the man said, "Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce."
The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping, and gave him $5,000.
Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest", the loan officer said. The man wrote out a check and started to walk away.
"Wait sir", the loan officer said, "while you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?" The man smiled.
"Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?
Place and time: somewhere in the Soviet Union in 1930's.
The phone rings at KGB headquarters.
"Hello?"
"Hello, is this KGB?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor Yankel
Rabinovitz as an enemy of the State. He is hiding undeclared
diamonds in his firewood."
"This will be noted."
Next day, the KGB goons come over to
Rabinovitz's house. They search the shed where the firewood
is kept, break every piece of wood, find no diamonds, swear at
Yankel Rabinovitz and leave.
The phone rings at Rabinovitz's house.
"Hello, Yankel! Did the KGB
come?"
"Yes."
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yes, they did."
"Okay, now its your turn to call. I
need my vegetable patch plowed."
Ways to say NO!
I'd love to but...
I want to spend more time with my blender.
The man on television told me to say tuned.
It wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
I'm building a pig from a kit.
I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it.
There's a disturbance in the Force.
I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
I've come down with a really horrible case of something or other.
My plot to take over the world is thickening.
I have to fulfill my potential.
It's too close to the turn of the century.
I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary.
I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.
I'm uncomfortable when I'm alone or with others.
I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
I'm trying to be less popular.
I have to study for a blood test.
I have to rotate my crops.
I prefer to remain an enigma.
I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.
I Am My Own Grandpa
Many, many years ago when I was twenty-three,
I got married to a widow who was as pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter
Who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her
And soon the two were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matter worse,
Although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.
My little baby became
A brother-in-law to dad;
And so became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.
Father's wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother
And it makes me blue,
Because although she is my wife,
She's my grandmother too.
If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild;
And every time I think of it
It simply drives me wild.
For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw:
As the husband of my grandmother,
I AM MY OWN GRANDPA!!
It is no accident that 'stressed' spelled backwards is 'desserts.'
Did You Ever Just Wonder .....
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Orientals throw hamburgers?
Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?
Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
Who is general failure and why is he reading my disk?
Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?
If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss?? It sounds like a near hit to me!!
Do fish get cramps after eating?
Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not adoor?
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress?
Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?
Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
Isn't Disneyland a people trap operated by a mouse?
Sooner or later, doesn't EVERYONE stop smoking?
Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?
War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If love is blind, how does 'love at first sight' work?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone just move 10 miles away?
One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to Heaven. There he meets the Lord himself. The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let Me know."
The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor." The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and a wonderful fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident and go to Heaven. Again the Lord is there to greet them with the same offer. The mice answer, "All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so we don't have to run anymore?" The Lord says, "Say no more," and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.
About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him in a deep sleep on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you arrived?"
The cat stretches and yawns and replies, "It’s wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending by are theeeeeeee best!!!"
There's this guy who had been lost and walking in the desert for about 2 weeks. One hot day, he sees the home of a missionary. Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and collapses on the doorstep. The missionary finds him and nurses him back to health. Feeling better, the man asks the missionary for directions to the nearest town. On his way out the backdoor, he sees this horse. He goes back into the house and asks the missionary, "Could I borrow your horse and give it back when I reach the town?" The missionary says, "Sure but there is a special thing about this horse. You have to say 'Thank God' to make it go and 'Amen' to make it stop."
Not paying much attention, the man says, "Sure, ok." So he gets On the horse and says, "Thank God" and the horse starts walking. Then he say, "Thank God, thank God, " and the horse starts trotting. Feeling really brave, the man say, "Thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God" and the horse just takes off.
Pretty soon he sees this cliff coming up and he's doing everything he can to make the horse stop. "Whoa, stop, hold on!!!!" Finally he remembers, "Amen!!"
The horse stops 4 inches from the cliff. The man leans back in the saddle and says, "Thank God".
OOOOOOPPPSSSSSS!!!!
Dead Dog
A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments, tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead.
The man,clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.
The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows.
The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too."
The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. So the vet brings in a black lab, the lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."
The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650."
"$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaims the man.
"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests."
Lemon Squeezer
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.
Many people had tried over time (weight lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it. One day a scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet."
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. He then handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight lifter, or what?"
The man replied, "I work for the IRS.
Seeing Eye Dog
I was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles. By the
time we took off, there had been a 45-minute delay and everybody
on board was ticked.
Unexpectedly, we stopped in Sacramento on the way. The
flight attendant explained that there would be another 45-minute
delay, and if we wanted to get off the aircraft, we would reboard
in 30 minutes.
Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was
blind. I noticed him as I walked by and could tell he had
flown before because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath
the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. I
could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the
pilot approached him and, calling him by name, said, "Keith,
we're in Sacramento for almost an hour.
Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?"
Keith replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to
stretch his legs."
Picture this ... all the people in the gate area came to a
completely quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot
walk off the plane with the Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was
even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not
only tried to change planes, they also were trying to change
airlines!
Real Groaners
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest, and writers cramp.
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
Awoman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them
goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The
other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."
Years later, Juan sends a
picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture,
she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of
Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins - if you've
seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
Why?
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next
door went nuts.
I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be
gone. I said, "The whole time."
So what's the speed of dark?
How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees?
Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above
me are furious.
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Isn't Disneyworld a people trap run by a mouse?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an
"s" in it?
Light travels faster than sound. Is that why some people
appear intelligent until you hear them speak?
How come 'abbreviated' is such a long word?
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the
battery is dead?
Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee"
when they already know you don't have any?
If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the
universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do
the other trees make fun of it?
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in
charge of everything outdoors?
Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open,
it's not adore?
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe
you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
If Superman could stop bullets with his chest, why did he always
duck when someone threw a gun at him?
Why does lemon juice contain "artificial ingredients"
but dishwashing liquid contains "real lemons"?
Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a
suitcase?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Is boneless chicken considered an invertebrate?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the
self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat
the purpose.
Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?